Key Exchanges      Assassination Attempts      Troop Movements      Cards Played      Banking Estimated Date: 11/3/2005 Mephistopheles ?       Well, well, well. Look at all the cute little mortals. They do try so hard, don't they? *chuckles* Oh, I am sorry, I've forgotten to introduce myself... I'm afraid Faustus isn't quite feeling his usual versifying self today, a bit possessed in fact. But the stupid prat summoned me, and I want to have a bit of fun before the Big Guy drags my butt back into the brimstone. So, Mephisto at your service. You mortals; you plot and scheme and kill each other, and, well, you'll all end up in the same damned place - a little private joke there, you'll have to forgive me - anyway. Nice and toasty warm. Or toasted. I apologize, really, I do, but all these machinations just warm the cockles of my burnt-up, blackened heart. But the point of this little announcement, since I haven't quite made myself clear, is that your beloved - or be-hated - Herr Doktor seems to have overstayed the terms of his lease on life. The lying, sneaking, conniving, treacherous, double-crossing bastard signed over his soul in blood for twenty-four years, and now the little clock has nearly ticked itself to death and our charming Faustus shall soon find himself cooling his heels in the antechamber of Hell. Well, perhaps cooling isn't the best term... At any rate, the good Doktor soon won't be bothering y'all any more, so have a nice life. I'm sure I'll see you all soon... especially, let's see here, Escobar, Napoleon, Olaf, and Pele. Yup. Not to worry you or anything, chaps, but I'd... er... set my affairs in order if I were you. Just to, shall we say, reinforce my point, I've tacked on a memento... an image of myself in my current incarnation. It's a pity, really, you're all underhanded slime-balls. I was rather looking forward to an eternity with our friend Santiago, but when you go and do a thing like that... tsk tsk. Let's just say martyrdom has its advantages. I'm sure he'll be laughing from that big puffy hospital ship in the sky. Cheerio, auf wiedersehen, and adieu. Mephistopheles Estimated Date: 10/31/2005 Pele ?       I would not even wipe my ass with this budget ... I guess that's because I wasn't sent anything, and would then be wiping my ass with my bare hand, but let's not get technical. Estimated Date: 10/31/2005 Barbara Fuccon ?       Um.. I'm concerned for our Budget. It seems awful puny. 16MPs from 14 bills? I'll vote for it to show it my support (and I'm baking a cake in the shape of our flag for the post-budget-vote get-together) but I'm awfully concerned. Estimated Date: 10/28/2005 Zombie Robocop ?       I died once as Officer Alex Murphy and now I've died once as Robocop. I came back from the dead before and I did now. However, in addition to my undying devotion to the law, I now have a strange craving to consume brains. My organic food-paste just isn't as delicious as it used to be. Evildoers need to be extra wary now. Not only will I terminate you should you resist arrest, I will feast on your juicy brains as well. If you don't want this to happen to you, I suggest you obey the law to the letter. I might be a bit more trigger-happy than I have been in the past. - Your recently zombified Robocop Estimated Date: 10/27/2005 Don Escobar del Mundi ?       Greetings Adopted Countrymen, I begin by apologizing to the family of Senor Robocop. My late whore of a wife ordered his execution before her death. Unfortunately, I have been remiss in sorting through her affairs- I did not know of her orders in time to stop her assassin's bullet. I can only hope that this will not prove Constantia's first successful execution. For Laura Fuccon, I offer no sympathy. She was a bitch as all women are bitches and this nation is better off run by men. In the meantime, I will be taking a short trip to my home country. It has come to my attention that Constantia was investing in a line of sexually explicit rosary beads. I will investigate the venture to see if her perversion can profit our homeland. Fondly, Don Escobar del Mundi Estimated Date: 10/26/2005 Doktor Johann Faustus ? Lo! Break forth demonic pow'rs of Hell! Crawl out from 'neath the grimy feet of men stained with the blood of mur'drous acts! Lift up your horned heads, bare sharp your cruel teeth, and spread across our gore-soaked city streets! See now, my friends, how this our sinful life does summon up perdition's fiends to wreak gross vengeance on our humble state! Repent, my brothers, sisters dear, and beg the master of us all forgive our greed, our lust and wrath; these demon-spawned, human-formed homicidal hellish brutes have cut out life, darkened our eyes, and open broke these seams of flesh - and all because our rage, our avarice, our pride has held us up! Oh, Satan, master, devil-god, endow us now with pow'rs both dev'lish and divine! Make us as gods and tear our foes apart! -- Doktor Johann Faustus Estimated Date: 10/26/2005 Barbara Fuccon ?       Oh thank god that long ordeal is over. How long were we tied up, there? Years, no doubt. That awful, awful child tied us up you see. It was a game she said, and then we couldn't get out. James and I on the couch back to back for all those years, hearing those speeches she made, with that awful, awful language. And the horrors we saw in the streets. Bloodshed that wouldn't end. Death, and destruction. Well, Mikey, god rest his soul, may of roughed up a building or two accidentally. But that Laura. She was just a bad egg. I told James that no good sister of his didn't know about how to raise her daughter right. But anyway, now we're free! and I have years worth of housework to do. Not to mention baking! I haven't made cookies in ages! I'll leave to the nice policement to explain how they found us. But i just want to thank the policemen so much and our minister for his kindness in getting rid of that awful, awful child. James sends his thanks too. Love, Barbara. P.S. James and I had our picture taken by Laura during our detainment, Look for the picture in the newspaper! Estimated Date: 10/24/2005 Laura Fuccon Admiral       I'd remind the good doctor that the poets are all liars and that in the history of our fine Republic not once has the Fuccon Family deposited money in the Bank. Not fucking once. When Poor Mikey tried it, your schwester killed him and when I just visited the bank, you helped engineer an immoral and undeserved revolution. I hate you. Bitch. Estimated Date: 10/24/2005 Doktor Johann Faustus ? Lords and ladies of our fairest land - I beseech your care and time to hearken now and hear my voice. Foremost, I wish to welcome good Senor del Mundi; sir, I am most pleased to shake your hand in good concordance and fair trust. Your loathed wife, false papist nun, is gone; let us rejoice! To others - those whose voices accusations raise of treason or of false pretense, recall that you as well have guilty been of similar injustice to your one-time allies who once would have called you friend. Slander not the good Senor and I, who have thus far abused not your trust. Your greed I see, and I respect it too, for greed a common friend to all has been; but take to heart, that those with pow'r before were cruel and unjust, and punished those who to them did no harm. Therefore, false friends, take heed, lest demons stalk thy sleep and wake thee with foul shrieks and burning brands of hate; my Mephistopheles will angry grow, and even I, who powers great do wield, have not the strength to countermand 'gainst Hell. Repent, thou serpent-tongued ones, lest Satan angry rise, and swallow all your souls. -- Doktor Johann Faustus Estimated Date: 10/24/2005 Laura Fuccon Admiral       Need I say that the budget is fucking shit? Need I say that the presidente is stealing from you douchebags? Need I ask what I have done that is so wrong that I get screwed every fucking year? Need I remind you that the presidente has engineered it so that we can't even vote no on his budget. I will be voting no. I will be shelling the Castle. (Kings live in castles, presidentes live in Palaces, this is a castle) I will be shelling the castle and if you bitches don't help me, then I'll die. Need I mention, by the way, your GREED? Two people were killed last year at the bank. The bank! wow, I would never have expected to see any of you filthy, money-grubbing, Ass-ferrets there. Oh wait, who am I kidding? ALL of you ocelot-brained morons are wasting money on your family estates. The bank should lease out rooms to you. Then you would never have to fucking leave. bitches. Bitches, bitCHES! BITCHES! Estimated Date: 10/23/2005 Alturo Cassenti del Assia Air Force Commander       Friends of the Republica, I implore you to vote against this proposed national budget. Our air force, navy, and military require at least SOME funding to continue in operation! While our esteemed Presidente has shown sound judgement in this matter prior to this budget proposal, I now find that funds are lacking. I have recently told the Republic of our newest air force formation and new test equipment. We have shown great improvement in our effectiveness and response times due to these programs! These programs will suffer and perhaps fail all together if no moneys can be spent to support them. While I understand the needs of our core government must be met without sacrifice, I must still put forth that NO funding, for any branch, is completely inadequate. I shall not lead an Air Force bereft of adequate equipment, training, and, most importantly, the support of our Presidente. Thank you for your attention on this matter and I hope you will see that appropriate porportioning of the budget to our governmental infrastructure is best for the Republic. Estimated Date: 10/21/2005 Alturo Cassenti del Assia Air Force Commander       Dearest Friends and Countrymen, I am pleased to announce that our Air Force will be implementing new training procedures to more effectively prepare our nation for any air assault! These new tactics were developed at our esteemed research and development facility codenamed, "El Garange". Should you see unusual air force activity, please be patient as our new pilots get used to the advanced air tactics they are learning. Thank you and goodnight. Estimated Date: 10/20/2005 Juan Santiago El Presidente       I'm sorry to say it, but I think that tree yarn is growing on the soft fertile brain tissue of dear Arnando. Law enforcement can't go around killing beloved international actors willy-nilly, it's just not done. As such, I have entrusted the police to our diminutive robot friend, Napoleon. I have heard it said that he has all the powers of a king and Superman (also he's a robot). It is clear that our nation is quickly becoming more machine now than man, as indicated by the presence of the new Minister of War, Robocop. With his help we can upgrade our armed forces with crime fighting robotics and rid the streets of Nuke once and for all. Don Escobar del Mundi, the fact that we two men are here speaking to one another is a testament to your late wife's incompetence. She did have a knack for getting the pig dogs to cough up the dough, however; but I expect your tenacity shall prove to outdistance her in economics as in life." Estimated Date: 10/20/2005 Robocop ?       My friends - This is Robocop. I have been chosen to succeed the visionary actor Senor Le Pope and to track down his killer. We suspect the unprovoked violence may have been a result of a documentary he was working on. It was called Tree Yarn - Smuggling Tool of Criminals. In this film tree yarn was discovered to really be a way to sneak in the highly addictive drug Nuke. It was chemically bonded to the tree yarn and was extracted at the various tree yarn facilities in our city. We never would have discovered it without my expertise in the area. I have overwritten my command directives to allow for extreme violence if the killer should be found. Any tips that lead to the conviction of this criminal will be handsomely rewarded. Together we can remove the corruption in our city and turn it into a pinnacle of hope for the future, like New Detroit after I destroyed the criminal cartels there. Your law enforcement cyborg, Robocop Estimated Date: 10/19/2005 Don Escobar del Mundi ?       Greetings, Three years ago my murderous bitch of a wife paid to have me killed off. My informants found out in time to save me, but at the time I had no choice but to fake my own death. I see from the papers that Constantia was making trouble for the good people of this republic, too. Pretended to be a nun, did she? Abducted by "demons," was she? Hah! Today, I emerge from hiding a free man. I shake your hand Senor Pele; you have rid the world of a rotten whore and I pledge my service to your nation. I will look upon you all as my saviors. Don Escobar del Mundi Estimated Date: 10/19/2005 Olaf General 2       Olaf thank much many paper values for work of Mission. Odin happy happy, but Thor hungry. Estimated Date: 10/16/2005 Olaf General 2       Olaf appologizes for no speak much. Olaf no much comand English Sorry much. Olaf sent by Viking Church: missionary to convert poor poor heathens to belif. Belif in Thor, Odin, and others. Olaf much happy to speak others gods. Olaf thank leader-person for paper values. Much Happy. Odin bless your happiness. Give much, Green Horns not very not happy. Olaf find help others, thanks. -Olaf Estimated Date: 10/16/2005 Doktor Johann Faustus Farm and Labor Secretary Comrades and companions all in this our great and lovely land: today begins anew a rule in which prosperity and wealth shall grow. Let us together join in the promotion of Senor Arbol's fair trees of yarn and cultivate for all an economic boom. The foul and hated doggish New World pigs have now denied to us - myself, at least, and since to me perhaps as well the papist nun whose false and treach'rous accusations do befoul my honored name - denied our rightful wealth and give to us a pittance of what we should truthful get, so now we must unite and turn not to a cruel divinity that poorness preach, but to the slandered fiend whose touch alone will bring to us the wealth and pomp that we deserve! My brothers, sisters, let us all compact with Hell! I cast a vote for lechery! For greed! For pride! Hail Santiago and his women fine! So let us all join in and take what wealth we can, in hopes that Satan will reward our greed, and see thus fit to proffer forth more gold, more maidens fair, more yarn of trees! -- Doktor Johann Faustus Estimated Date: 10/16/2005 Laura Fuccon Minister of War       Hey, everybody it's me, Laura! I've been having the bestest day. this morning I baked chocolate chip cookies with aunt. And this afternoon, I'm going to the park to play with my puppy. Everything is so perfect in our wonderful republic. The only thing that would make it better is if my friends Mr. Smythe and Mikey were here to share it with me. but they're not, oh well, I can't blame those in power, can I? it's not like the Germans ordered the kill of my cousin. The same germans who are now in power. Ooh! and I can't blame the presidente for Mr. Smythe being dead. It's not like he ordered the execution. Or that double crossing bitch nun. Tied up. heh. I bet you were tied up. I wonder if Santiago's bitch knows what he had to do to get your support. Tell me this, Constie, was he as good as you hoped? Everyone else, I hope you're happy with the dribbilings he gave you. 17Million pesos from 14 billls. wow. that's a HORRIBLE budget draw. this means either Faustus and Mundi are really bad at their jobs. or, our dear presidente is lying to us. Comeon, douchebags, if you want to believe this woman-stealing womanizing, woman-hater jerk, well, go ahead. I have an appointment with a puppy. and a meat grinder. 3/19/2013 NOTICE: All events posted past this point in the timeline (from here up) have been restored from old email records. They primarily represent speeches. The vast majority of other events are still missing. We have done our best to recreate what we do have as accurately and completely as possible. 20:01 CST - 10/15/2005 Juan Santiago El Presidente       Our economy is very healthy this term, in part because of Constantia Mundi's exceptional negotiations with our foreign allies, who have been hesitant as of late to associate with our nation due to our recent politial strife. The Bishop has convinced me to grant her department a slight boost. He hopes that you, sister, will use the extra funds to construct a new convent and further spread the Word. I'm afraid that no funds were allocated to the Ministry of War or the First Army this term because they spent last term's budget on elaborate new rifle technology that features longer battery life, a brighter display and 60 AAA titles including Super Mustachio Kart, Nintenparrots and Barbie Kong. I am willing to overlook this transgression, provided Miss Fuccon and Alturo Cassenti del Assia don't harm anyone with this technology while the Military Armaments and Video Game Violence Subcommittee tries to find some way to recoup our losses from this misguided research. 20:00 CST - 10/15/2005 El Presidente proposes the following budget: Santiago - 2 Faustus - 2 Mundi - 3 Olaf - 2 del Arbol - 2 Le Pope - 2 Napoleon - 2 Pele - 2 Fuccon - 0 del Assia - 0 19:59 CST - 10/15/2005 Admiral Pele passes Conservatives Influence to El Presidente Santiago. 20:00 CST - 10/14/2005 Foreign Minister Mundi and Farm and Labor Secretary Faustus each draw seven budget bills, which are immediately transferred to El Presidente Santiago for budgeting. 20:00 CST - 10/14/2005 Minister of War Fuccon assigns New Weapons to General del Assia's 1st Army Brigade. 02:01 CST - 10/14/2005 Arnando Hilado del Arbol Minister of Internal Security       Hello again my friends, It is I, Arnando Hilado del Arbol, your friendly and productive Minister of Security. I must first say that it has saddened me that those tree huggy leftist hippies who scarcely last week froliced in the few remaining fields of tree yarn have deserted me. Fie to them! I still have my lazy soon to be re-employed labor union members behind me and I'll be damned if the tree yarn warehouses will not be opened at the end of this week! But, I now have other, more important duties than the simple maintenence of tree yarn. No, Hilado del Arbol must now be concerned with your safety, and I mean every single last one of your safeties. I will treasure your lives like I treasure my yarn...excepting that there are no plans to export you to Mexico to be smuggled into America. ...unless you can fit into a little baggy like my stash of tree yarn here...though I can scarcely believe any of you are that small; including Presidente Fuccon! I will keep safe this republic my friends, if it is the last thing I legitimately do! 00:59 CST - 10/14/2005 Laura Fuccon Minister of War       This is puppying tofu. I was kicked out of the presidency so that we could have this bastard and his whore as presidente and vice presidente. Someone killed you once. Why can't you stay dead? 20:01 CST - 10/13/2005 Juan Santiago El Presidente       You are all my partners in this dance of politics and economics and I thank you for letting me lead during this song. The young nurses aboard the R.P.N. Sponge Bath have given me a clean bill of health and agree that I am more than fit to serve. I am positive that this shall be a lasting tango of power and passion. Before I continue, please let me introduce my Vice Presidente, Anna Maria. This is a photo from our recent address at The Fundraiser For Homeless Parrots. The VP normally doesn't get much publicity in el Republica de los Pendejos, but Anna Maria has been doing great work with homeless parrots. Each year hundreds of parrots are abandoned in and about the city. Anna Maria has won numerous awards for her efforts to find pirates willing to care for them. As VP she hopes to extend her success to homeless wombats and homeless buffalo. 20:01 CST - 10/13/2005 El Presidente appoints the following Cabinet: del Arbol - Minister of Internal Security Mundi - Foreign Minister Faustus - Farm and Labor Secretary del Assia - General 1 Fuccon - Minister of War Napoleon - General 3 Olaf - General 2 Pele - Admiral Le Pope - Airforce Commander 19:59 CST - 10/13/2005 Arnando Hilado del Arbol discards Environmentalist Influence, losing five votes in the Chamber of Deputies. 21:04 CST - 10/12/2005 Constantia Mundi Farm and Labor Secretary       Brothers and Sisters in Christ, For too many days I watched violence tear apart our fair nation. I remained silent as Senor Faustus railed against the truth of our Holy Church, and I said nothing when he summoned the most unholy, malevolent of creatures, a demon, into our very midst. Now the Lord has punished me for my silence. Last night, Senor Faustus's demon, a hateful being calling himself Mephistopheles, abducted me from the palace's guest room. For almost 24 hours he held me prisoner, perpetrating unspeakable acts upon my person, and forcing me to abstain from this most vital of national votes. B I return to you now a humbled woman, but with a clearer sense of God's purpose. Our country must reunify under strong leadership and the bloodshed must cease. Senor Santiago, should you have been elected president in my absence, I will offer you my support. I humbly beg pardon for my former sins against you, and ask only that we may in future work together for the greater good of the nation. I also beg of you to spare Laura Fuccon's life. She is a woman of her word and does not deserve to suffer for Senor Faustus's sin and my absence. Amen. 20:05 CST - 10/12/2005 Turn 5 begins. All dead players return and all eligible players draw a card. Old Events: Hide old events 20:04 CST - 10/12/2005 Larry Grabowski Executioner of the Republic       Well, what's done is done. You know, it's funny. Lot's of clients put up a fight, and given the crowd I normally work, a lot of 'em have been known to attempt to fillibuster with their last words. This one was easy. He didn't even squirm or nothin'. Still, I was ok with this client. I guess I like to remember him as the Admiral who kept the sharks at bay. 20:03 CST - 10/12/2005 General Faustus makes a transaction at the Central Bank. 20:03 CST - 10/12/2005 El Presidente Santiago makes a transaction at the Central Bank's smouldering remains. 20:02 CST - 10/12/2005 Laura Fuccon passes an undisclosed sum of money to Alturo Cassenti del Assia. 20:02 CST - 10/12/2005 Laura Fuccon plays Coalition Breaks on Arnando Hilado del Arbol, forcing del Arbol to discard one of his in-play Influence Cards. 20:01 CST - 10/12/2005 El Presidente Santiago sends Juan Smythe to the Firing Squad. All Smythe's pocket money is transferred to Santiago, and all his cards are discarded. 20:00 CST - 10/12/2005 Presidential Election Vote: del Arbol - Pro-Santiago Napoleon - Pro-Santiago Mundi - Abstaining Pele - Pro-Fuccon Smythe - Pro-Fuccon 21:00 CST - 10/11/2005 Ronaldo Burgundio Freelance Reporter Today's Weather: Cloudy - The Pendejo Times - 50 bananas Volume MCMLIII - No. 342 . . . . . . . . . . . Tuesday, October 11 . . . . . . . . . . . All Rights Reserved Rebels Victorious! More than a week after violence first broke out in the streets of the Republic, the defenses of El Presidente Fuccon finally collapsed, allowing Rebel Forces (and those sympathetic to them) to seize control of the Railroad Station, Radio Station, and Junta is now convened to elect a new leader for the Republic, and likely to also decide the fate of El Presidente Fuccon, who many have criticized as being ". . . a loathesome and utterly detestable creature, not fit to run a race, let alone our Republic, whose very 20:04 CST - 10/11/2005 Coup Resolution Vote: Fuccon - Pro-President del Assia - Pro-President Napoleon - Pro-Junta Santiago - Pro-Junta Faustus - Pro-Junta Mundi - Pro-Junta del Arbol - Pro-Junta Smythe - Pro-Junta 20:03 CST - 10/11/2005 Air Force Commander Pele, Secretary Mundi, and Minister Smythe all move their Palace Guards to the Wealthy Neighborhood (18) and open fire on each other, killing no one. Air Force Commander Pele, Secretary Mundi, and Minister Smythe all become Rebels. 20:03 CST - 10/11/2005 El Presidente Fuccon's Rioter charges after General Faustus's departed army, into University City (13), screaming "DOWN WITH THE RELIGIOUS, BOURGOISE ACADEMICS!" 20:03 CST - 10/11/2005 General Faustus's 2nd Army Brigade attacks the entrenched paratroopers in Central Bank (8), along with General Napoleon's remaining soldier. The paratrooper is killed in the ensuing violence. 20:02 CST - 10/11/2005 Air Force Commander Pele uses his second Airstrike against General Napoleon's Army in Central Bank (8), killing one soldier. 20:02 CST - 10/11/2005 Admiral Santiago shells the Paratrooper in Central Bank (8), but misses him completely. 20:01 CST - 10/11/2005 El Presidente Fuccon grants control of one of his Palace guards to Foreign Minister Le Pope, Secretary Mundi, Minister Smythe, and Air Force Commander Pele. 20:01 CST - 10/11/2005 General del Arbol grants control of one of his soldiers in Radio Station (14) and Railroad Station (27) to Admiral Santiago. 20:01 CST - 10/11/2005 General Napoleon grants control of one of his soldiers to Admiral Santiago. 20:00 CST - 10/11/2005 Coup Phase 7 begins! 20:00 CST - 10/10/2005 Coup Resolution Vote: Fuccon - Pro-President Pele - Pro-President Napoleon - Pro-Junta 21:00 CST - 10/09/2005 Larry Grabowski Executioner of the Republic       Life's a funny thing, ya know? There I am, sharpening my axe. I watch the news a lot. Everyone in this line of work has to, ya know? We need to know who's gonna be getting the axe . . . so to speak. So I says to Gladys. I says, "Wife! Have you heard about the shelling in the city? You won't be having to worry about any spending money in a couple of days! We're going to have some new clients!" I says. And then it hits me. I'm getting my axe sharpened for no reason. These bozos with their tanks have got things so muddled up in the capitol, that there ain't gonna be no end to this coup anytime soon. So I puts my feet back up and crack open a beer. But then Gladys starts nagging me about the money again. So I'm asking you all, resolve this thing soon. Otherwise I'm going to have to send her to your doors to complain about me not having any work. 20:03 CST - 10/09/2005 Coup Resolution Vote: Fuccon - Pro-President Pele - Pro-President Mundi - Pro-President del Assia - Pro-President Napoleon - Pro-Junta del Arbol - Pro-Junta Santiago - Pro-Junta 20:02 CST - 10/09/2005 General del Arbol's units in Wealthy Neighborhood (18) attack the Presidential Palace, making General del Arbol a Rebel. General del Arbol's units are easily repulsed by the entrenched Palace Guards. 20:02 CST - 10/09/2005 El Presidente Fuccon's armed rioter moves into a defensive position in the Chamber of Deputies (22). 20:02 CST - 10/09/2005 General Faustus's 2nd Army Brigade storms the Chamber of Deputies (22), where two of her soldiers are killed after neutralizing one of the defending policemen. The 2nd Army Brigade is forced to retreat to University City (13). 20:02 CST - 10/09/2005 El Presidente Fuccon's armed rioter moves into a defensive position in the Chamber of Deputies (22). 20:02 CST - 10/09/2005 Air Force Commander Pele's Paratroopers drop into Central Bank (8), where an inconclusive firefight with General Napoleon's understrength 3rd Army Brigade ensues. 20:01 CST - 10/09/2005 Air Force Commander Pele uses his first Airstrike against the Radio Station (14), killing no one. 20:01 CST - 10/09/2005 Admiral Santiago's Gunboat shells the Chamber of Deputies (22), killing no one. 20:00 CST - 10/09/2005 Coup Phase 6 begins! 20:00 CST - 10/10/2005 Coup Resolution Vote: Fuccon - Pro-President Pele - Pro-President Napoleon - Pro-Junta 21:00 CST - 10/09/2005 Larry Grabowski Executioner of the Republic       Life's a funny thing, ya know? There I am, sharpening my axe. I watch the news a lot. Everyone in this line of work has to, ya know? We need to know who's gonna be getting the axe . . . so to speak. So I says to Gladys. I says, "Wife! Have you heard about the shelling in the city? You won't be having to worry about any spending money in a couple of days! We're going to have some new clients!" I says. And then it hits me. I'm getting my axe sharpened for no reason. These bozos with their tanks have got things so muddled up in the capitol, that there ain't gonna be no end to this coup anytime soon. So I puts my feet back up and crack open a beer. But then Gladys starts nagging me about the money again. So I'm asking you all, resolve this thing soon. Otherwise I'm going to have to send her to your doors to complain about me not having any work. 20:03 CST - 10/09/2005 Coup Resolution Vote: Fuccon - Pro-President Pele - Pro-President Mundi - Pro-President del Assia - Pro-President Napoleon - Pro-Junta del Arbol - Pro-Junta Santiago - Pro-Junta 20:02 CST - 10/09/2005 General del Arbol's units in Wealthy Neighborhood (18) attack the Presidential Palace, making General del Arbol a Rebel. General del Arbol's units are easily repulsed by the entrenched Palace Guards. 20:02 CST - 10/09/2005 El Presidente Fuccon's armed rioter moves into a defensive position in the Chamber of Deputies (22). 20:02 CST - 10/09/2005 General Faustus's 2nd Army Brigade storms the Chamber of Deputies (22), where two of her soldiers are killed after neutralizing one of the defending policemen. The 2nd Army Brigade is forced to retreat to University City (13). 20:02 CST - 10/09/2005 El Presidente Fuccon's armed rioter moves into a defensive position in the Chamber of Deputies (22). 20:02 CST - 10/09/2005 Air Force Commander Pele's Paratroopers drop into Central Bank (8), where an inconclusive firefight with General Napoleon's understrength 3rd Army Brigade ensues. 20:01 CST - 10/09/2005 Air Force Commander Pele uses his first Airstrike against the Radio Station (14), killing no one. 20:01 CST - 10/09/2005 Admiral Santiago's Gunboat shells the Chamber of Deputies (22), killing no one. 20:00 CST - 10/09/2005 Coup Phase 6 begins! 21:02 CST - 10/08/2005 Doktor Johann Faustus General 2       Laura, dearest, sweetest, foulest child that e'er drew breath in this cruel world, take heed, that your loose and cank'rous tongue does not your head in a woven basket land. That said, I will, as token of my peaceful will, destroy for you - and all this land - the ill- gotten force of Smythe's police. And now, I summon forth my devil's wrath: go out, my Mephistopheles, and kill this piece of sniv'ling ministerial tripe, rend limb from limb and let none doubt that Faustus' wrath is great and won'drous to behold! Take heart, my fiend, that you not let foul papist prayers to hinder this your bloody murd'rous deed. I'll not, though Hell itself compel me so, descend to language foul that rotten tastes upon my tongue and so speak truthful to the nature of our presidente's soul; Hell knows how black and misbegotten is your rule. But I'll no more. I'll bow in service to the will of all around and take as lord or lady mine whome'er shall win and triumph in this bloody, treach'rous coup. 20:46 CST - 10/08/2005 Arnando Hilado del Arbol General 1       An Address by the honorable Arnando Hilado del Arbol My friends, it had come time to defend the honor and good name of my family, as this President sat by and let the lifeblood of our nation wither and decompose under the gaze of the wretched Minister of Internal Security. Treachery against my honor required fast action and new leadership in our fair Republic. Had the Presidente not been neglectful in reigning in the evils of Minister Smythe, the bloodshed could have been averted. Alas, we have seen so much blood that it only pleases me that we will see but a little more before this business is behind us. But make no mistake, Arnando Hilado del Arbol will never stand idly by while the Republica falls for American lies and besmirches the name of Tree Yarn! 20:40 CST - 10/08/2005 Laura Fuccon El Presidente       To the cupcakes of the Republic: cupcake Napoleon: It's a clever set-up you have. I think I might like you after all. I mean, if you win, you spill almost no blood in the process. your hands are clean. but you still get to choose the new president all by yourself. no one else gets a vote. you should be named Macchiavelli, cupcake, not verbing Napoleon. cupcake del Arbol: if you're going to try to be sneaky and two faced you have to do a better job of it. I've known about your verbing chicanery this whole time and was not suprised in the least when you opened fire on poor, innocent, verbing-citizens, just like that dead cupcake did to my cousin. cupcake Faustus: let me get this straight... First you summon the devil. Then, you do nothing with your power except sit around and wait to see who will win so you don't piss off the wrong side. If anyone is a cupcake, it's you. cupcake Pele: you waste the airforce and I regret giving it to some cupcake, who's just going to sit there and polish the bombs instead of verbing dropping them. I think the appropriate place for you in future administrations would be on the floor in the office in the Casa Verde; there's a table there with an uneven leg. cupcake Santiago: I'm sorry for killing your verbing marines. but must you attack the police too? cupcake del Assia: you were a loyal fighter for your state and I hope you shall not suffer for it in the hell that may take over this country. you're not a cupcake at all. cupcake Smythe: You have been neglectful in your duties. You have utterly failed as minister of internal security. Utterly verbing failed. you knew that there were those that were dissatisfied with the regime and you let them live to start a coup. giving you power was the biggest verbing mistake I made. cupcake Le Pope: You too have been a loyal ally to the good people of our nation and to your millions of fans world wide. Had the Americans seen fit to give you land forces which you personally could have led, there would be no enemies of our country standing. again, not a cupcake. Your holy cupcake Mundi: you've been saying rosaries this whole war and I appreciate them. that and you're a verbing savior in the bedroom. thanks. This message has been brought to you courtesy of the Ministry of Information (10/09/05) 20:01 CST - 10/08/2005 El Presidente Fuccon's angry mob moves into Wealthy Neighborhood (18), where three rioters are killed, forcing the remaining mobster to retreat into the Market (23). 20:02 CST - 10/08/2005 General del Arbol stations one soldier and his Helicopter Gunship in Wealthy Neighborhood (18). 20:01 CST - 10/08/2005 Foreign Minister Le Pope uses his final airstrike on the Central Bank (8), killing one of General Napoleon's soldiers. 20:01 CST - 10/08/2005 Admiral Santiago's Gunboat shells the Chamber of Deputies (22), killing one of Minister Smythe's Policemen. 20:00 CST - 10/08/2005 Coup Phase 5 begins! 20:03 CST - 10/07/2005 General del Arbol's fast-attack brigade attacks Minister of War del Assia's Bodyguard in the Radio Station, killing the Bodyguard and losing the Transport in the process. 20:03 CST - 10/07/2005 El Presidente Fuccon's angry mob overturns many applecarts as it storms the Market (23). 20:03 CST - 10/07/2005 General Faustus's 2nd Army Brigade drives over some students as it takes University City (13). 20:02 CST - 10/07/2005 Admiral Santiago's Gunboat shells the Chamber of Deputies (22), inflicting no casualties. 20:02 CST - 10/07/2005 Foreign Minister Le Pope uses his 3rd Airstrike against General Faustus's 2nd Army Brigade in Southwestern Middle Class Area (17), killing one soldier. 20:01 CST - 10/07/2005 Foreign Minister Le Pope uses his Arms Dealer connections to arm one of El Presidente Fuccon's angry rioters with New Weapons. 20:00 CST - 10/07/2005 Coup Phase 4 begins! 20:02 CST - 10/06/2005 Laura Fuccon El Presidente       Now you phones have done it, all those poor oppressed, socialists in the southern slums have been disturbed enough by your chewing distubance of the peace that they've gone and taken arms. Rise up my brothers and crush those who would oppress you! Power to the People. ... god what bulltape that was. but they'll buy it.... *mumbles heard* what? the mic was still on! you're fired you tapeing, stupid, incompetent, pig-raping, sheep-tapeing, Pele-sodomizing plastic. This message has been brought to you courtesy of the Ministry of Information (10/06/05) 20:01 CST - 10/06/2005 Admiral Santiago's Marines invade Tracks (25), where they are caught up in angry mobs and killed. 20:01 CST - 10/06/2005 El Presidente Fuccon's rioters begin to loot around Tracks (25). 20:01 CST - 10/06/2005 El Presidente Fuccon plays Slum Riots, deploying four Rioters to Southern Slums (31). 20:01 CST - 10/06/2005 General del Arbol's reinforced 1st Army Brigade seizes control of the Railroad Station (27), before detaching a Transport, three soldiers, and a Helicopter Gunship to secure Wealthy Neighborhood (18). 20:01 CST - 10/06/2005 General Faustus's 2nd Army Brigade moves into Southwestern Middle Class Area (17). 20:01 CST - 10/06/2005 Minister of War del Assia's Mercenaries assault the Central Bank (8), but General Napoleon's forces hold successfully, neutralizing both Mercenary units. 20:00 CST - 10/06/2005 Admiral Santiago's Gunboat shells Minister of War del Assia's Mercenaries in Northwestern Middle Class Area (5), inflicting no casualties. 20:00 CST - 10/06/2005 Foreign Minister Le Pope uses his second American Airstrike against the Rebel units holed up in the Central Bank (8), inflicting no casualties. 19:59 CST - 10/06/2005 Minister of War del Assia plays Bribe Spotter on Air Force Commander Pele. (No Effect) 20:01 CST - 10/05/2005 Admiral Santiago's marines land in South River Suburb (19). 20:01 CST - 10/05/2005 El Presidente Fuccon's Palace Guards assume defensive positions in the Presidential Palace (16). 20:01 CST - 10/05/2005 Minister of War del Assia's mercenary army rolls into Northwestern Middle Class Area (5). 20:01 CST - 10/05/2005 General Faustus's 2nd Army Brigade moves tactically into the West Wood Suburb (20). 20:01 CST - 10/05/2005 General del Arbol's reinforced 1st Army Brigade siezes control of Tracks (25). 20:01 CST - 10/05/2005 General Napoleon's understrength 3rd Army Brigade assumes defensive positions inside the smouldering remains of the Central Bank (8). 20:00 CST - 10/05/2005 Foreign Minister Le Pope uses the first of his Airstrikes on the Central Bank (8), killing no one except a few lowly farmers deposting their hard-earned pittances. 20:01 CST - 10/04/2005 El Presidente Fuccon's Palace Guards beat useless students senseless as they take control of University City (13). 20:01 CST - 10/04/2005 Minister of War del Assia's Bodyguard assumes the heavy burden of protecting the Minister of Information, in the Radio Station (14). 20:01 CST - 10/04/2005 General Napoleon's understrength 3rd Army Brigade invades the Northwestern Middle Class Area (5). 20:01 CST - 10/04/2005 General del Arbol's Reinforced 3rd Army Brigade assumes control of South River Suburb (19). 20:00 CST - 10/04/2005 General del Arbol plays Helicopter Gunship, deploying a Helicopter Gunship to his Barracks (32). 20:00 CST - 10/04/2005 General del Arbol plays Transport, deploying a Transport to his Barracks (32). 20:00 CST - 10/04/2005 Minister of War del Assia plays Bribe 3rd Army, paying 2 MP, and gaining control of the Brigade's tank and one soldier. 23:30 CST - 10/03/2005 Ronaldo Burgundio Freelance Reporter Today's Weather: Tornados - The Pendejo Times - 900 bananas Volume MCMLIII - No. 334 . . . . . . . . . . . Monday, October 3 . . . . . . . . . . . All Rights Reserved WAR! General Napoleon sits calmly, puffing on a fine imported cigar. He looks quite a bit different from the firebrand whose tanks and troops stormed the Northern Suburb just hours ago. Perhaps this is because as of yet, no shots have actually been fired in his problems due to supply lines being cut have caused the prices of all paper products to skyrocket. Critics claim that this is blatant price-gouging by the media industries. Nevertheless, the only thing that seems certain for the moment is that all civilians 20:04 CST - 10/03/2005 Napoleon General 3       Citoyens! Mes amis! Tonight I have fired the first shot against tyranny. Join me on the barricades and make that solitary shot into the spark that ignites the people of our great nation to throw off that hateful harpy Fuccon and her mewling sycophant Smythe. To those cowards who would counsel moderation, I say they are already too late! Fuccon and her cadre have already demonstrated that they are willing to blatantly insult and financially injure those who do not agree with their twisted social policies. While today it was our armed forces, tomorrow it will most certainly be you and your essential interests. My brave men are in the streets and prepared to fight to the last man in the cause of liberté contre la tyrannie. Fight with me and we can reclaim this Republic for its rightful owners! Victoire! 20:03 CST - 10/03/2005 Foreign Minister Le Pope is given control of four Airstrikes by his American allies. 20:03 CST - 10/03/2005 Minister of War del Assia's BodyGuard automatically deploys to the Minister's Home in the Wealthy Neighborhood (18). 20:02 CST - 10/03/2005 General Napoleon's 3rd Army Brigade storms the capitol's Northern Suburb (1), encountering no resistance, and becoming the First Rebel. 20:02 CST - mo/da/year Coup Begins! 20:01 CST - 10/03/2005 Admiral Santiago dispatches a Burglar to raid Secretary Mundi's Home, where he makes off with two millions pesos. 20:01 CST - 10/03/2005 General Faustus sends a Mercenary to kill El Presidente Fuccon at the Bank, where El Presidente Fuccon is forced to pay the Mercenary two million pesos in order to avoid death. 20:01 CST - 10/03/2005 General Faustus sends a Bank Robber to steal money from Secretary Mundi's Bank Account, and is successful in stealing two million pesos. 20:00 CST - 10/03/2005 Locations: 19:39 CST - 10/03/2005 Doktor Johann Faustus General 2       Look, oh people of this mighty realm! Lo, for forth from 'neath the earth between our feet springs forth the agent of your doom! For sainted Paul to Romans wrote that the reward of sin is death - and death shall come with dark'ling wings astride a charger pale. Th' face o' th' moon is waxing strong, and the vile and villainous faith of Roman Popes doth corrupt this, our most precious land! And so, dear friends, I summon forth to save us from this popish sister's grasp a brave and awful fiend - familiar mine, from depths of Hell spring forth! Raze clean the streets of nun's foul deeds! Raze clean from presidential greed these our coins and peso bills! Up raise the trees of yarn which hold within their leaves the future of our nation's wealth! And so, o Faust, begin thine incantations dark, and try if devils will obey thy hest! Within this ring and star inverted scribed by which the spirits are enforced to rise, come forth, familiar, devil, come! Arise and greet thy master, Faust thy lord! Come forth, and scourge from this Republica the stench of papist witchery and greed! Cease need for war! I now surrender up my soul to thee, great Lucifer, that thy sprite, thy imp thy Mephistopheles a slave of mine become! Go forth, my devil, my fiend, my friend and wrack upon the rocks this nun and girl Fuccon, concealed both in dev'lish garb, and let this city scour'd be, that at long last our fruitful realm may rest in peace! Click to View Status Page 16:29 CST - 10/03/2005 Laura Fuccon El Presidente       My people. I have heard some of you snot-nosed whiners are upset with being punished and are planning on storming the palace. I'll just say this, when you applesaucees lose, heads will fly. and I have a long memory. anyone who takes an active part in this coup as the opposition will no get more money from a government where I am involved. the budget will be distributed equitably amongst all non-rebels. Therefore I kindly advise you yogurtheads to think twice before you shell my palace. This message has been brought to you courtesy of the Ministry of Information (10/03/05) 18:30 CST - 10/01/2005 Minister Smythe seizes the Chamber of Deputies and forces the Budget's passage at gunpoint. 15:10 CST - 10/01/2005 Pele Air Force Commander       Watch your tounge girl. I have been fighting for this country on the fields of soccer since before you were born. I have been held captive and unable to correspond with the outside world (except for occasional phone calls to the most respected El Reiffo) and return to find a government born from spilling the blood of citizens that is more focused on greed than running an equitable nation. I expected to return with a diminished role and have accepted this fact, but to see the same insult slapped down on other families so that you may syphon wealth is unacceptable. Whether or not I called for the power failure, this budget was going to pass. This way though, anyone that is interested in supporting you or resisting you can do so without having to run to their headquarters and the waiting sites of your henchmen. Consider this a test of your justice. How you proceed will either earn my support in the chambers or my wrath on the battlefield. 14:01 CST - 10/01/2005 Laura Fuccon El Presidente       It seems that that stapler Pele has declared war on democracy. Well, that stapler is now an official terrorist. Associatign with him means you staplers will be terrorists too. staplers. In order to finance our anti-terror programs, I've decided to veto the ban on Yarn. let the yarn run bananaing free and bring in money to get rid of the terrorists. This message has been brought to you courtesy of the Ministry of Information (10/01/05) 04:20 CST - 10/01/2005 Juan Smythe Minister of Internal Security       Using the Hyper-Threading-Ultramodern-Nue-Comp-Uter Voting Hypothesizer, the Ministry of Internal Security has run a computer simulation of what WOULD have happened if the power had not gone out.... and we have our own generators, that can not be hooked up to the voting booths for technical reasons. The results were CLEAR, a unanimous pro-Budget Vote, with one abstention of course. So, in order to fulfill the will of the people, the budget is passed. To make sure some sort of New Orleans level of disorder is not achieved, the budget will be escorted by some ISA officers. In the meantime, police and ISA agents are still investigating the power failure to see if terrorist activities are in any way linked. If you have any information, please contact your local police force. 20:00 CST - 09/30/2005 Pele plays Power Failure. 20:00 CST - 09/30/2005 Pele plays Informant, examining Laura Fuccon's cards in hand. 20:00 CST - 09/30/2005 Napoleon General 3       I am deeply offended by this masturbatory exercise you call a budget and refuse to take part in this sham of a vote. 19:59 CST - 09/30/2005 Juan Santiago plays The Church Influence, garnering an additional ten votes in the Chamber of Deputies. 19:59 CST - 09/30/2005 Arnando Hilado del Arbol plays Environmentalists Influence, garnering an additional five votes in the Chamber of Deputies. 19:59 CST - 09/30/2005 International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope plays Voter Apathy Party Influence, garnering an additional ten votes in the Chamber of Deputies. 19:59 CST - 09/30/2005 Juan Smythe plays Celebrity Influence, garnering an additional three votes in the Chamber of Deputies. 20:01 CST - 09/28/2005 Laura Fuccon El Presidente       Hey, Jerks. I've figured out the budget. Our budget wasn't bad this year. but due to the way it worked it some of you bananaers aren't gonna have any money this year. but then again, you've probably stolen enough shiny money from this country to live pretty comfortably for a while in the Alps. Everybody gets 3 except those framees Faustus, Pele and Napoleon. 21MPs is quite a good budget. It almost makes me like our Foreign Minister and Farm and Labour secretary. If they weren't such frame wipes. But still, it's better than the rest of you. This message has been brought to you courtesy of the Ministry of Information (09/28/05) 20:00 CST - 09/28/2005 El Presidente proposes the following Budget: Mundi - 3 Santiago - 3 Le Pope - 3 Napoleon - 0 Del Assia - 3 Faustus - 0 del Arbol - 3 Smythe - 3 Pele - 0 Fuccon - 3 19:59 CST - 09/28/2005 Laura Fuccon passes International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope two cards. 19:59 CST - 09/28/2005 International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope passes Laura Fuccon Socialists Influence, and University Faculty Influence. 15:13 CST - 09/28/2005 International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope Foreign Minister       My friends - Oh what a glorious day for our country! The Americans, pleased by the return of legitimate rule, have been most generous in their foreign aid. Not only have they assured that our industries and exports will continue to thrive, they have given us a wonderful new law-enforcement tool. His name is Robocop and he will help to make sure that violence doesn't return to our land for many years. Undoubtedly you all remember my fantastic dance moves winning me acclaim earlier in the year. ( http://junta.knique.net/lepopedance.html for those with short memories) However I fear I will have some stiff competition next year, as Robocop is an excellent dancer trained by the finest teachers in America. Here is a video of him in action: I also would like you to attend my latest film Robocop IV - Robocop Goes Bananas. Robocop stars in this zany comedy about how Robocop adopts a loveable monkey named George who likes to get into all sorts of mischief and tomfoolery. I directed this film and only appear in a small cameo as former Russian president Mikhail Gorbachev. Senor Roberto Eberto give it 3 and a half tacos so it is obviously an excellent movie. I hope our Presidente proposes a fair and just budget in order to keep the steady supply of American marvels coming into our land. Our future looks bright and I wish you all well. 02:38 CST - 09/28/2005 Juan Smythe Minister of Internal Security p.12 - THE SCORCOR DALEY NEWSPAPPER - Wednesday September 28 Tree Yarn found to be Dangerous! By Ike Anspel This Evening, the Drug Investigation Agency, the body of the Government nominally overseen by the Minister of Internal Security, Juan Smythe, that is incharge of investigating and reporting on all maters dealing with the use of immoral and/or dangerous substances, released an Urgent and Potentially damaging report. In summery, Tree Yarn is indeed the primary ingrediant in the scourge of our country's rising Cat's Cradel usage. The substance can be smelted into a drug that induces hysteria, poor math skills, and possibly death. Minister Smythe immidiatly banned the sale and distrubution of any and all tree yarn items. All shipments were seized by the ISA, and sent immidatly to be burned. A large extent of the Arbol estate is also in flames, as the Yarn Orchard was put to a firey death this eveing. A shocked, and dishevled Generalisimo Arbol was on site, unable or unwilling to explain the bank records, or the evidence presented thus-far to the body public. The Editors express the lack of any other information,b ut this is all that was reported. As the story develops, more will be reported. The question at the tip of everyone's mind is, what will become of our economy, so tied to the sale and distribution of Tree Yarn? Will we be able to go back to squeeking by on the sale of bannanas? We, as always, welcome lettors to the Editor. More, as this story develops. 00:17 CST - 09/28/2005 Arnando Hilado del Arbol General 1       I must protest!! I must most vigerously protest! Tree yarn has been a legitimate substance with many meaningful qualities and purposes and I am shocked, nay, appalled at the treatment Arbol Industries has received from the jackbooted Minister Smythe. My friends, it is so very clear to me that Minister Smythe has fallen under the sway of the American pigs, he who so willingly destroys are future budgets to the detriment of all Pendejos! I deny that Tree Yarn is anything but a peaceful and real substance. My family is not a family of pushers but a family of lovers! This unprovoked and hostile treatment on behalf of the gringos makes my heart weep and my bowels weak with anger! El Presidente, save the people and save the tree yarn! Mr. Smythe, good day to you sir good day! 20:00 CST - 09/27/2005 Minister of War Alturo Cassenti del Assia assigns New Weapons to General Arnando Hilado del Arbol's 1st Army Brigade. 20:00 CST - 09/27/2005 Foreign Minister International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope and Farm and Labor Secretary Constantia Mundi each draw seven bills, which are passed to El Presidente for budgetting. 17:08 CST - 09/27/2005 Juan Smythe Minister of Internal Security       Dearest Friends and Cooks, I have recently been in training for my new position, traveling abroad, and speaking with my fellow Ministers of Internal Security in Forien Lands. I have learned much, and have also won a fair amount at the Ministers of Internal Security conference in Las Vegas, USA. However, a disturbing rumor was circulated to me there, that i felt it was my duty, as the newly appointed Minister of Internal Security, to investigate this threat to our Internal Security. As soon as i returned, i had my crack staff of Internal Security Agents (the ISA's) start an investigation. As you have all by now read in the local paper, The Pendajo Times, I have had the Local Tree Yarn Warehouses closed down. There is growing evidence that there is a direct link between the harvest of the yarn of the trees, and the growing use of the street drug known as "Cat's Cradel." The ISA seized evidence out of the Arbol Industires Warehouses, and closed them down while furthur invesigation follows. Bank records, along with memos, and other sundry items were collected along with the actual bales of tree yarn. The ISA is working in close quarters with the Drug Investigation Agency to see if there is any connection. I must return now to the office, as we are expecting some results from the preliminary testing soon. I bid you all, Good Day. Click Radio to Listen 23:06 CST - 09/26/2005 Juan Santiago Admiral       Due to my wounds, I have joined my fleet on the hospital ship, the R.P.N. Sponge Bath. The ship's nurses have already put me on a rigorous recovery program. These ladies possess extensive knowledge of their art and I find the many hours of physical therapy to be considerably stimulating. I have had sessions with just about every nurse on the ship and they have each expressed their delight with my progress. God willing, I will return to my full strength so that I may teach the young women aboard this vessel to tango! 21:00 CST - 09/26/2005 Napoleon General 3       Je suis Napoleon! 20:40 CST - 09/26/2005 Laura Fuccon El Presidente       Here's the Cabinet. The first Army, full of the best soldiers, I give to Del Arbol. The Loser 2nd and 3rd Brigades, I give to that stapler successor to the stapler who killed my sweet beloved whipping boy Mikey and the successor to the finally dead presidente. what an frame he was. In these dangerous times with lots of sharks, who better to send to the ocean than the bastard who somehow survived an assassins bullet. I wonder if the jerk'll do the same on the water. Our new Airforce commander seems to only be good at kicking money into the bank. Well, let's see how well that framehole can kick in the cockpit. Our former admiral, as bananaed up as he may be, is our new minister of interior, so I'd advise you all to be on your best behavior. In light of our dear sister's intimate knowledge regarding fecundity, I've decided to make her farm and Labour minister. May she bring blessings on our yarn. Oh, and may she come to the bedroom suite tonight, I have some stuff to discuss with her. Our ever-popular moviestar has shown his skill in dealing with the Ruskies Bastards before, so I trust he'll either kick frame or take names or maybe both. Finally, due to his confidence in me, symbolized by a small donation to the Mikey Charitable Trust, He has been made Minister of War, as he requested. See you brats at the budget vote. This message has been brought to you courtesy of the Ministry of Information (09/26/05) 20:00 CST - 09/26/2005 Cabinet Appointment: del Arbol - General 1 Faustus - General 2 Napoleon - General 3 Santiago - Admiral Pele - Air Force Commander Smythe - Minister of Internal Security Mundi - Farm and Labor Secretary Le Pope - Foreign Minister del Assia - Minister of War 16:14 CST - 09/26/2005 Constantia Mundi General 3       Senor Santiago, I make no secret of my sinful past; I can only hope that other sinners will follow my example and repent. My late husband, Don Escobar, frequently forced me to indulge in certain... activities for his enjoyment. It was, in fact, my growing sense of religious outrage that led to his, shall we say, untimely demise. The photo you have found comes from that period of my life, a period well before I took the veil in truth. To resurrect that memory now... for shame, sir, for shame. The Lord has seen fit to heal you in body; I pray that you will take this opportunity to heal spiritually as well. The Lord will always welcome repentant sinners back to His arms. 21:00 CST - 09/25/2005 Turn 4 begins! Dead players return, and all eligible players draw an additional card. 20:45 CST - 09/25/2005 Ronaldo Burgundio Freelance Reporter Today's Weather: Thunderstorms - The Pendejo Times - 50 bananas Volume MCMLIII - No. 326 . . . . . . . . . . . Sunday, September 25 . . . . . . . . . . . All Rights Reserved Laura wins Fuccon' landslide! After the untimely assassination of the late Presidente Diem, special elections had to be immediately held to determine the future leadership of the Republic. Normally, this would have been a call for a great deal of competition in the Chamber of Deputies, but instead only analysts worry that this may mean the death of a viable opposition in the Republic's government, while others claim that viable opposition is still present, but waiting for the appropriate time to make itself heard. Either way, for the time being, it seems as if the Fuccon 20:00 CST - 09/25/2005 Election Results: For Fuccon: (16) Fuccon (1) Faustus (4) del Assia (1) Mundi (1) Pele (9) Abstaining: (22) Le Pope (15) del Arbol (6) Smythe (1) 12:53 CST - 09/25/2005 Juan Santiago None       I assure all of you that I am not dead, despite Sister Constantia's wishful thinking. My informant, as you may recall, is a member of my own family. My brother, in fact. He is loyal only to my family and his information is accurate; Juan Smythe can attest to this in regards to the contents of el Presidente's bank account. The good sister's motives were entirely her own, as inspection of her own bank account would undoubtably prove. Why Constantia Mundia might believe a dormitory of chaste seminarians to be unseemly is open to debate, but this undoctored photograph may shed some light: 11:11 CST - 09/25/2005 Doktor Johann Faustus Minister of Internal Security       Dearest friends, on this great day, this day of sadness 'midst the break of dawn, this day from whence our nation's resurrection shall up and rise, we start anew; for forth from blood and strife, from death and grief, shall spring again the hope of nations. This Republica, our star of morning, sun of evening, eternal rises with the etern seas as joy and sorrow mingle in our hearts that weep for blood now shed, for lives now lost, for this our country's grief. Our president, our minister of farm and work, both cut down, their lives spent in sacrifice for this our nation's peace. Let not the bloody losses - murder foul encas'd in murder's arms by Papist sister's plot - uproot the stones that form the base for this, our earth, our realm, our grand estate! My friends, companions in this noble state, let us now rebuild, and hold within our minds the spirits of the dearest souls, Mikey, first lost, and Diem - brave soldiers all to pass beyond the limits of the flesh. Poor Santiago, by murder's agents batter'd, left for dead. But let us not today forget that we yet still draw breath! Let us together band and vote for one who will unite us all in weath, in glory, and in peace! Dearest ruler of our future state, remember, in your wisdom, those who, like me, have counciled peace and intellectual pursuit, rather than bloody-minded war. My friends, as you together join to vote, chose wisely and choose well one who will seek to bring prosperity at last to these our murd'rous shores; ponder well, in these, our foremost hours, who best shall lead our state and bring the utmost glory, pow'r, and fame. 09:53 CST - 09/25/2005 Constantia Mundi General 3       Brothers and Sisters in Christ, A grave morning dawns over our fair Republic and many lie dead, one, I confess, at my own hands. Last night, Senor Santiago was gunned down by my assassin, but with only his own greed to blame. In his last missive to the nation, he claimed to have received credible information about our late President's intentions. That same informant (all too eager, I fear, to profit from political strife) then informed my people of Senor Santiago's intentions. I sprang into action; our nation's politicians must learn to use the proper channels for addressing these sorts of grievances, not resort instantly to treachery and murder. But I ask you, what else could we expect from a man who did not fear God? Who would close my convent, sacrificing religious devotion to economic gain? Who would subject a Bride of Christ to the lascivious glances of a group of young men? But I have said enough. Senor Santiago is now in God's capable hands, and the Lord is a greater judge of his conduct than I. It is time, my brothers and sisters, to move forward. Laura Fuccon has stepped forth to lead our nation out of turmoil and return us to the path of the righteous. The prophet Isaiah promises "a little child shall lead them"; let us heed the voice of the Lord. Amen. 00:35 CST - 09/25/2005 Laura Fuccon Minister of War       What is this autogyro. First that Mikey chump gets shot and that German stapler gets herself shot, now we have a bank even more covered with blood. The Yankee pig-dogs aren't going to like this autogyro. I mean they don't care if we shoot each other. But if it's in the bank, well no more money. Banana that autogyro. Anyway, I think you should all make me president. Because its gender diversity. The Communist Pigs will love us for that and give us the money we need to fill our bank accounts. And everyone loves me. If you don't vote for me, I'll be lunched. This message has been brought to you courtesy of the Ministry of Information (09/25/05) 23:59 CST - 09/24/2005 Juan Santiago None       El Presidente was a traitor and went to the bank to withdraw this nation's money and flee. My informant at the palace passed this information to me as soon as he knew, but I feared it was too late. My family sent my cousin; he and I rushed to the bank to stop Diem. He was there...and he was waiting for us. I told him to give himself up, but he gave a shout, and from the open vault a figure appeared and shot me. As Antonio Weinstein and his daughter dragged me to safety, I watched my cousin fatally shoot el Presidente. In the confusion, the gunman was able to slip past my cousin and confront me in the lobby. I was weakened from my wound and could do nothing as the gunman opened fire on me. Antonio drew my pistol and drove the assassin off, but it was not soon enough. His daughter... I do not know, she may yet live. The assassin escaped with a large sum of money and left only a single rosary bead. If the bank felt they owed me anything for the great wealth I brought them through Tree Yarn, Antonio has made it clear to me that this debt has been paid in full. 23:45 CST - 09/24/2005 Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf Minister of Information       Survivors of the recent unpleasantness! Hear my words, and know that the Republic is secure. There are no assassins in the Capitol. This evening, our beloved El Presidente was cruelly gunned down in the Central Bank, by an assassin sent by none other than the Farm and Labor Secretary, whose ambitious building plans have been such a blight on our fair nation. As is only appropriate, I am calling for a day of mourning, out of respect for our late El Presidente. All of you are familiar with his famed just demeanor and respect for life, but I suspect there are a great many things that you do not know about Presidente Diem. It is only right that I share some of these things with you now. El Presidente Diem was my closest friend, and I'd like to think he confided a great deal in me. He was, in fact, the most generous man I have ever met. I have it from a reliable source that all the money he recieved in budgets was deposited into a numbered and untraceable Swiss Bank Account earmarked for blind and deaf orphans. The lavish parties he routinely threw were often attended by just such orphans as well. I even seem to recall the President took these orphans on special trips to his shooting range and meatpacking plants. They always were so eager to go! But El Presidente's generosity didn't end with orphans! He was even known to invite his enemies to fancy banquets where he fed them some sort of delicacy he called kid pie. I believe it contained extremely tender goat meat. His most bitter of enemies were allowed to stay in special guest houses he provided for them, where they were given the most wonderful massages and stretching exercises. El Presidente Diem will be missed by all. I know the orphans especially will miss him. We must, of course, move on, and elect a new Presidente, but I must warn you all. Criminals who attempt to besmirch the honor of this great office will be met only with bullets and shoes! Thus Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf has spoken! El Presidente Diem is dead. Long Live El Presidente! 20:02 CST - 09/24/2005 Constantia Mundi makes a transaction at the Bank. 20:02 CST - 09/24/2005 Doktor Johann Faustus makes a transaction at the Bank. 20:02 CST - 09/24/2005 Pele makes a transaction at the Bank. 20:01 CST - 09/24/2005 Pele discards a card. 20:01 CST - 09/24/2005 Alturo Cassenti del Assia discards a card. 20:00 CST - 09/24/2005 Constantia Mundi pays 2 MPs and sends her Foreign Assassin to kill Juan Santiago at the Bank, where the Farm and Labor Secretary is gunned down. All of Juan Santiago's pocket money is transferred to Constantia Mundi, and his cards are discarded. 20:00 CST - 09/24/2005 Juan Santiago pays 1 MP and sends his Professional Assassin to kill Ngo Ninh Diem at the Bank, where the President is gunned down. All of Ngo Ninh Diem's pocket money is transferred to Juan Santiago, and his cards are discarded. 19:59 CST - 09/24/2005 Locations: Mundi- Bank del Assia - Nightclub Santiago - Bank Pele - Bank Le Pope - HQ Smythe - HQ del Arbol - HQ Fuccon - Bank Diem - Bank Faustus - Bank 19:58 CST - 09/24/2005 Doktor Johann Faustus Minister of Internal Security       Comrades in arms, great men and women true, we stand, now, at the brink of war, our heads held high, our faces turned toward the dawn of a new world; our city fair now torn by greed, stagnating 'neath a tyrant's rule. Sisters, brothers raise your arms! Lift up your voices and break forth to fight for truth! I have, for many years, a doctor been, a teacher of the minds of youth. And now, I find my students loose in mind and loose in moral fibre, roaming free amid the raucous streets in reckless celebration. My friends, my comrades in this nation free, let us uproot these seditious seeds, ground our feckless youth in mores steady and begin anew to raise an empire great! 19:58 CST - 09/24/2005 Doktor Johann Faustus plays Annual Street Festival Event Card, providing a coup excuse. 19:57 CST - 09/24/2005 Alturo Cassenti del Assia passes an undisclosed sum of money to Laura Fuccon. 19:57 CST - 09/24/2005 Laura Fuccon attempts to pass a card to International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope, but is unable to, due to hand limits. 22:30 CST - 09/22/2005 Ronaldo Burgundio Freelance Reporter Today's Weather: Partly Cloudy - The Pendejo Times - 50 bananas Volume MCMLIII - No. 323 . . . . . . . . . . . Thursday, September 22 . . . . . . . . . . . All Rights Reserved Diem's da Apples! Even as support for the Budget among the Republic's Deputies eroded, overall opposition in the Chamber of Deputies disintegrated as Opposition-Coalition Leader International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope was censured pending an investigation of numerous was reportedly ecstatic with the results, thumbing his nose at the opposition. The Rev. Alfredo Sharptino, who has been most vocal about disenfranchisement of minorities has called the Censure "the penultimate in injustice in the Republic's long history," and has vowed 20:00 CST - 09/22/2005 Budget Vote Record: Pro Budget: (29) Diem (4) Faustus (4) Santiago (12) Pele (9) Anti Budget: (10) del Arbol (6) Smythe (1) Fuccon (1) Mundi (1) del Assia (1) 19:59 CST - 09/22/2005 Pele plays Censure on International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope, removing him from the Chamber for the current motion. 19:59 CST - 09/22/2005 Doktor Johann Faustus plays Radicals Influence Card, garnering an additional three votes in the Chamber of Deputies. 19:58 CST - 09/22/2005 Constantia Mundi passes Laura Fuccon a card. 23:00 CST - 09/20/2005 Ronaldo Burgundio Freelance Reporter Today's Weather: Stiffling - The Pendejo Times - 50 bananas Volume MCMLIII - No. 321 . . . . . . . . . . . Tuesday, September 20 . . . . . . . . . . . All Rights Reserved Too Close to Call! Foreign investors hoping to plan for the next fiscal year were dismayed today by the unexpected setback in the Chamber of Deputies. The controversial budget was thought to have narrowly passed, but the Supreme Court ruled that voter irregularities made this outcome results were denounced by the Rev. Alfredo Sharptino, who claimed that many minorities had been disenfranchised by supporters of Presidente Diem. Allegations of voter fraud, busses that did not take voters to Poll Locations, and outright intimidation tactics have sent some areas into 20:00 CST - 09/20/2005 Laura Fuccon plays Recount, forcing the budget to be revoted on. 20:00 CST - 09/20/2005 Budget Vote Record: Pro Budget: (30) Diem (6) Faustus (1) Mundi (1) Santiago (12) Pele (9) del Assia (1) Anti Budget: (29) del Arbol (9) Smythe (4) Fuccon (1) Le Pope (15) 19:59 CST - 09/20/2005 Ngo Ninh Diem plays Political Refugees Vote Card, garnering an additional two votes in the Chamber of Deputies for the current motion. 19:59 CST - 09/20/2005 Ngo Ninh Diem plays Students Influence Card, garnering an additional three votes in the Chamber of Deputies. 19:59 CST - 09/20/2005 International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope plays Illuminati Influence Card, garnering an additional six votes in the Chamber of Deputies. 19:59 CST - 09/20/2005 Juan Smythe plays The Middle Class Vote Card, garnering an additional three votes in the Chamber of Deputies for the current motion. 19:59 CST - 09/20/2005 Arnando Hilado del Arbol plays Graveyard Voters Vote Card, garnering an additional three votes in the Chamber of Deputies for the current motion. 19:59 CST - 09/20/2005 Arnando Hilado del Arbol plays Labor Union Influence Card, garnering an additional five votes in the Chamber of Deputies. 22:02 CST - 09/19/2005 Alturo Cassenti del Assia Air Force Commander       Good Evening, Tonight, I address you with a somber tone. I watch peacefully as my fellow leaders argue over what seems to be a common aim; the success and continued freedom of our hard-earned independence. Our Presidente addresses us with the dignity and respect we all deserve and puts forth to us the reasons for his decisions. Our nation flourishes under our combined and sound leadership. However, one issue of late has instilled within me some discontent. Our military might is powerful yet untested. A few, zealous individuals amongst us seek to use that power; to see the far-reaching hand of the military in action. To these few, I would implore patience. The world outside our nation is anxious and unstable. War may come to us at any moment and for any reason. It would be foolhardy to wish it upon us. Our national exports will continue to rise if we are seen as stable; both economically and militarily. Let us join, truly and faithfully, under one flag and demonstrate to the world and ourselves that we can achieve an even greater nation. 00:28 CST - 09/20/2005 Juan Smythe Admiral       As a possible scorce of another export besides the contested Yarn, how exactly does one KNIT exciting underwear? As a FORMER american, I know well that my former people would be intruiged, as would my Japanese buisness partners, but there would need to be some sort of vending-machine delivery system in place. 21:32 CST - 09/19/2005 Constantia Mundi General 3       Senor Santiago, I certainly appreciate Father Knight's generosity, and I am not unaware of the honor he extends in offering the hospitality of his seminary. However, I feel it would be hardly appropriate for a woman of my stature to go about my daily business- dressing, undressing, knitting exciting underwear, and overseeing the religious and military business of our nation- while surrounded by a group of yet unpledged novitiates. We must not overlook our nation's spiritual duty, especially in these times of political unrest. It is the teachings of Our Lord Jesus Christ and our holy Church that will guide our great nation to safety and prosperity. May the blessings of Our Lord be upon you. 20:51 CST - 09/19/2005 Doktor Johann Faustus Minister of Internal Security       Dearest comrades, members of this great and prosperous land, do not unto the vile and treas'nous heat of rage give o'er; gaze forth, and see that in the light of peace shall we find wealth and commerce, full and pleantous bounty of our trees! The fine and noble Gen'ral Arbol has brought to us a rich and fertile crop; it falls upon our heads to use our wisdom, to take what good has been so giv'n to us. Good ladies, sirs, harken to my voice: let us, as Ngo Ninh Diem suggests, join now in unity! Let us at least together vote, and then, when strife is passed, create as one a brave new world, as has such folk as we to form and shape an empire forged by fire! To us, my friends, to life, to knowledge, joy and peace! Vote yea, and then let us move forth as one, to victory, to liberty, to wealth! 20:30 CST - 09/19/2005 Pol Hemp Leader of the Pendejos Socialist Party       Comrades! Or should I say ComREDS! El Presidente has finally shown his truly colors, and the time for us to take a stand has arrived! The proposed budget would cripple vital sectors of our economy, and hinder the progress our great nation has made towards equality. It is clear that Presidente Diem stands against progress, against the people, against the Party, and against the Revolution. As this is the case, I call for all reasonable people to defeat this budget, and to take to the streets and fight the imperialists at every street corner! 20:15 CST - 09/19/2005 Ngo Ninh Diem El Presidente       Good evening, fellow Deputies: I understand that there are dark mutterings in the streets of our fair capital, but rest assured that I am mindful of those who would unfairly strip away our precious and hard-won democracy with the bloody sword of war. A certain slowing down of business may have been a cause of anxiety for all. This stagnation was due to the end of artificial activities and a shortfall in the support coming from those who have obligations to us. But our efforts in carrying out the program of economic development at an accelerated pace will soon compensate for that stagnation. It is true that the restarting of the economy will carry with it many problems, but we must make the necessary effort at adaptation; it is better to work hard for a stable future than to live in a climate of facile but artificial prosperity which may crumble overnight. I take this opportunity to draw the attention of the nation to a fundamental point for maintaining both the economic and social life of our people: national discipline. Each national budget is a reflection of a season’s production, but it is also a set of directives. If each one wants to produce, trade, consume as he wishes, how could we carry out common programs? Private initiative must therefore be coordinated and oriented within the framework of the ultimate national good. To observe discipline is the fundamental condition of success. Besides, the characteristic of civilized nations is the establishment of a discipline by themselves which they observe freely and loyally. If the authorities must intervene each moment to watch the conduct of each one and punish the infringements of the rules ... where would freedom be? There is only one way of avoiding that intervention: each one must accept this discipline and see to it that his compatriots do the same. Those in this Assembly who are of one mind with our infantile Admiral would be best advised that unity and cooperation and not seditious and groundless agitation are the future of our people. Monies are assigned to those whose loyalty and support for our democracy are unquestionable, and those whose enlightened opinion elevates our national spirit. Miscreants and mental patients who waste our valuable defense budget on glorified dynamite fishing get the compensation that their actions justify. While we greatly value our national defense, effective leadership is the standard for our national project. The serpent nestles in our bosom this very night, and it cannot be ignored. I stand up tonight to assert that the enemies of freedom will reap only crushing defeat from their secret plots and unnatural subversions. You seek to supplant our democracy with your foul government, and the will of our great people will not tolerate your unwanted machinations. More than anywhere else in the world, our democracy is and shall be a continuing and virile creation, and our freedom a freedom which is living, struggled for, fashioned out of a persevering and untiring effort for human liberty. To those seditious elements in our government that feel that our even-handed treatment and forward-thinking programs thus far have been misguided or even tyrannical, I leave you tonight with one simple sentiment: Bring it on. 19:58 CST - 09/19/2005 Juan Santiago Farm and Labor Secretary       Progress on the Tree Yarn front is continuing, despite setbacks in the American market. Several large shipments were seized by US authorities last week, but I believe a little grease on the wheels should ease their passage in the future. Closer to home, construction of Tree Yarn warehouses is advancing on schedule. Sister Constantia, you may have noticed that the next building scheduled for demolition is the convent. Though your holy work is terribly important, I felt that because you are the only nun currently in residence, the space could be put to better use. The local seminary has offered to take you in; Father Roberto Knight and the men will look after your needs. Father Knight says you may come at your pleasure and hopes that you find the bedding to your satisfaction, but that he expects you to begin instructing the excited novices as soon as you arrive. He feels they have much to learn from someone with your Heavenly experience. 00:29 CST - 09/19/2005 Arnando Hilado del Arbol General 2       Sadness overwhelms me! I have done my upmost to promote the Republic and our burgeoning tree farm industry to the best of my ability! Perhaps El Presidente is reacting to the utter nonsense about tree yarn substance abuse, perhaps he is reacting to the news that a vast majority of our exports are illegal, perhaps he is reacting to the repeated requests by the American government to investigate links between tree yarn consumption and the recent murder epidemic in the capitol. I know not what he is reacting to, but he must know these are total lies! Tree yarn may have hallucinogenic quantities, but its legal uses far outweigh and small side effects. And yes it may be somewhat true to say that tree yarn is being primarily exported by the mafia, but this is because of the silly restrictions the Americans have placed upon it! And maybe, just maybe, there is a connection between tree yarn and homocide, but these links are sketchy at best! Sketchy! My friends and colleagues, I implore you to look at the benefits of tree yarn to our economy and towards the general inequity of this budget. We have given El Presidente a free hand but it seems the ship is now going astray. My friends we must remind El Presidente that we are a democracy and we must do so by voting against this budget! 00:25 CST - 09/19/2005 Juan Smythe Admiral       I see our idiot of a Presidente has decided to reward inneptitude with rewarding moneys. Smart Buisness decision there, Your Soft-Brained one. Not only do you not speak to your own people (when was the last time a speach was given unto the people who actually VOTED for him?), but you show no lack of wanting in your innability to govern, or run a smooth operation. I feel shame for all of our people, and I hope that you do as well. I mean no disrespect to this strangly devilish Oncle fellow, but has he EARNED his three MP? And if so, HOW? How has poor mourning Fuccon family earned this lack of compassion from his Cold-Hearted-ness? I speak not in my own defense, my fellow compatriots, but in defense of us ALL! I do not tell you how to vote, as it does not matter with this puppet government. It is clear that the evil of the Lady of Beer(goggles) lives on. I am sure it will be pressed irregardless, so I beg of you to save your reserve of voting power. Do not bother with using them, as this Regime of Evil and Corruptedness would sicken your followers, and disinchant them from the voting process as a whole. I do not ask you to do anything, nor demand it. I am not your leader, nor do I wish to be. I wish simply for a truely fair government. Thank you, my true-Fellow Citizens. 20:00 CST - 09/18/2005 Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf Minister of Information       People of the Republic! The time for rejoicing is upon us! El Presidente Diem, in all his gloriousness, has proposed the most wise budget of his reign thus far! No longer will the chaff of our society be watered. From now on, only those deserving of funding will be granted it. As for the undeserving, Our initial assessment is that they will all die! God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Pendejos. The Admirality has shown its true value by squandering our newest superweapon in his decadent shark hunting. That bastard the Pendejos Minister of War Fuccon, and I won't say shamelessly, because they don't know what shame means. These are criminals. The whole word can hear the warning sirens. This criminal sitting in the Admiralty is a pathetic criminal and his War Minister deserves to be beaten. These criminals lie to the world because they are criminals by nature and conditioning. They consider this a military site! Shame on you! You will forever be shamed! You have ruined the reputation of the Pendejos people in the most terrible way! Shame on you! And we will destroy you! I urge all loyal citizens of the Republic to support El Presidente's just and judicious budgeting in the upcoming vote. 20:00 CST - 09/18/2005 El Presidente proposed the following budget: Faustus - 3 MP Santiago - 2 MP Pele - 2 MP Mundi - 2 MP del Assia - 2 MP Diem - 2 MP del Arbol - 1 MP 20:00 CST - 09/17/2005 Farm and Labor Secretary Juan Santiago drew 7 bills, and Foreign Minister International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope drew 3 bills, which were all passed to El Presidente for Budgeting. 20:00 CST - 09/17/2005 Minister of War Laura Fuccon assigns New Weapons to General Arnando Hilado del Arbol's 2nd Army Brigade. 16:39 CST - 09/17/2005 Laura Fuccon Minister of War       The deathrays go from the assinine Admiral who can do nothing better than shoot sharks to Minister Arbol for his support of War ministry's activities. If you have any complaints you can take it up with the deathray ladies. bye. 20:00 CST - 09/16/2005 Cabinet Appointment: El Presidente Diem appointed Laura Fuccon to the Ministry of War and Doktor Johann Faustus to the Ministry of Internal Security. No other changes were made. 19:59 CST - 09/16/2005 Juan Smythe plays Spy in Switzerland, targeting Ngo Ninh Diem. 12:58 CST - 09/16/2005 Laura Fuccon None       God, what a boring ceremony. Do you think Mikey would give a autogyro about some building? He was the one who blew it up in the first place. All he cared about was those shiny soldier toys and those sluts of his. Whatever. My office better have a good view. Jerks. This message has been brought to you courtesy of the Ministry of Information (09/25/05) 11:08 CST - 09/16/2005 Juan Santiago Farm and Labor Secretary       Thank you all for attending this historic groundbreaking ceremony! I am especially pleased that Laura Fuccon could be persuaded to attend. Today marks the completion of la Republica de los Pendejos' first major building project. In honor of the fallen, the new structure will henceforth be known as the Fuccon Memorial Tower, though employees from the Ministry of War and the men from the third brigade who helped complete the construction have already dubbed it the "Mikey Ministry." Your new offices should be ready by the time el Presidente makes his appointments. In the meantime, I invite everyone to The Hot Tamale at its new location on the top floor for drinks ...and dancing! Click to View Status Page 10:29 CST - 09/16/2005 Laura Fuccon None       I'm Laura, and I'm taking over for my cousin who you bastards killed. Mikey's mother, Barbara, was the planned replacement. But she's much too much of a push-over to deal with this kind of autogyro. So, yeah, I'm here and I'm lunched. Not that I care much about that Mikey brat. But he was mine to beat up on and you've deprived me of that. So, yes, revenge will be taken, you pussies. And whether it's hot or cold doesn't matter to me. I might see you later. I have stuff to do. Laura. Oh, I'm gonna give you all a picture of the boy you killed, from when he was alive. May it torture the Germans, that bastard presidente who was too busy stuffing his pockets at the bank to bother stopping the assassination of a child, and the Santiago creep who supplied her with extra resources for the assassination. This message has been brought to you courtesy of the Ministry of Information (09/25/05) 09:04 CST - 09/16/2005 Constantia Mundi General 3       Brothers and Sisters in Christ, It is with greatest sadness that I speak to you today. Death is a part of the Lord's plan, it is true, but we never cease to mourn the loss of people taken in the prime of life. It is in times like these that we must turn to God for solace- when my dear, departed husband passed on to his eternal reward, I found my sanctuary in the arms of the Church. But really, my brothers and sisters, what is at the root of all this slaughter? Money, power, and foul greed. If my husband, for instance, had not been paying for the services of a vile, filthy prostitute, the Lord might not have seen fit to guide my assassin's bullets directly into their brains. I'm sorry, did I say my assassin's bullets? An error in speech. The assassination of my dear husband, I assure you, was in no way financed or ordered by me. And I certainly did not join the church to avoid judicial investigation into the matter. But to return to the affair at hand, we must all mourn the loss of Minister Von Bierwenchen and the Fuccon child. We must look inside ourselves as we contemplate these horrible events and decide what we can do to make our glorious Republic a safer, and more Godly, place to live. Amen. 23:24 CST - 09/15/2005 Juan Smythe Admiral       Comrades, Business Partners, and Fellow Mourners!! I am speaking to you from the hospital, where i shall shortly be released, but i wished to speak my grief publicly, and immidiatly, to the Fuccon Family. To have a child murdered, and in his sleep, and while he was learning the ESSENTIAL skills of wealth management speaks to the sickened mind of the former Minister. I of course also spread my regrets to the family of the former minister (I can not bring myself to speak her name, after what she did to the wonderful child), I am sure it can not be an easy duty to try to regain some semblance of respectability after and act like that. That she was killed by her OWN murders shows that God HIMSELF was angry with her. I am sure we have all read the wires that this was one of her own lovers, but that is not the point. A killer got what was coming to her, and for this we can take some SMALL measure of comfort. As to what happened to me, my friends, I feel i must tell you that I was kidnapped by the very killer of our own Little Angel Fuccon. It was only the death of her very person that saved me, I must tell you all. I only wish she could have been killed prior to the death of Mikey! Sweet child. I heard all of her planning from the cellar of her office. I tried to shout for help, but either no one heard, or they were hard of heart. I pray the former. After her death, the police found me, and having no orders to keep me there, took me to the hospital for the treating of my cuts and bruises. Her men were NONE to gentle, let me assure you. I hope that this Onkel person will do his best to salvage his family's name. I am happy to see he is asking for redemption on behalf of his family. We also give our full support to the Fuccon family. If you are in need of assistance, please let us know, thank you. 22:02 CST - 09/15/2005 Doktor Johann Faustus "Onkel"       Dearest friends, my comrades, my companions: Today we mourn a death, a loss, a tragic ending. Two lives, both cut down mid-stream by gruesome folly: vile assassins. I feel the loss of the little boy, more even than the passage of my niece. A foolish girl, headstrong and rash, power-hungry and prone to acts of violence. Dear sirs and madam Sister, please, forgive this man the sins of his troubled family. Find it in your deepest hearts to be forgiving. Let us together strive to build out of the ash a new and stronger nation, a place of peace and learning, knowledge, wisdom; aside we shall cast our hate and lift up the tomes that intellect prepares for us. Let us together learn and grow; to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield to ignorance and folly. I call upon the book of wisdom to guide our way and light up greatness' path. Though a doctor learn'd I am, I beg you all, consider, please, that I would be dear Uncle Johann to everyone. Farewell. Wisdom, joy, and peace - Onkel Johann 21:30 CST - 09/15/2005 Turn 3 Begins! Dead players return drawing four cards, while remaining players draw one card if able. 21:14 CST - 09/15/2005 Juan Santiago Farm and Labor Secretary       A child's death is never easy, especially one so gruesome. Mikey was an innocent boy, good and true. My heart weeps this day. 20:01 CST - 09/15/2005 Juan Santiago makes a transaction at the Central Bank. 20:01 CST - 09/15/2005 International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope makes a transaction at the Central Bank. 20:01 CST - 09/15/2005 Ngo Ninh Diem makes a transaction at the Central Bank. 20:01 CST - 09/15/2005 Arnando Hilado del Arbol makes a transaction at the Central Bank. 20:01 CST - 09/15/2005 Pele makes a transaction at the Central Bank. 20:00 CST - 09/15/2005 Ronaldo Burgundio Freelance Reporter Today's Weather: HOT - The Pendejo Times - 50 bananas Volume MCMLIII - No. 316 . . . . . . . . . . . Thursday, September 15 . . . . . . . . . . . All Rights Reserved Bobbies Baffled by Bizarre Butchery The Republic was shocked today by the murder of two of its most prominent Deputies during the night. Minister of War Mikey Fuccon was found dead in the Bank, where many witnesses, including most of the Cabinet, say he was gunned down by thugs dispatched by Minister von Bierwenchen. von Bierwenchen apparently dispatched three assassins in search of Mikey, who close associates say she saw as a rival for the affections of Barbara Fuccon. In the most bizarre twist, flowers addressed to Barbara Fuccon were found outside the window through which Helga was shot. hh:mm CST - mo/da/year Helga Von Beirwenchen plays Psychotic Assassin, targetting Mikey Fuccon's Home, but the assassin instead kills her at her Mistress's. 19:59 CST - 09/15/2005 Helga Von Beirwenchen dispatches her Secret Police to the Headquarters of Minister of War Mikey Fuccon, where they do not find him. 19:59 CST - 09/15/2005 Helga Von Beirwenchen uses her Monarchist Influence to pay for a Bribe Extra Assassin, which she sends to the Bank targetting Mikey Fuccon, where Mikey Fuccon is found and killed. 19:59 CST - 09/15/2005 Locations: Fuccon - Bank Le Pope - Bank Beirwenchen - Mistress Diem - Bank Mundi - Home Santiago - Bank del Arbol - Bank Smythe - Unknown del Assia - HQ Pele- Bank 19:59 CST - 09/15/2005 Helga Von Beirwenchen plays Monarchist Influence, garnering an additional three votes in the Chamber of Deputies. 19:59 CST - 09/15/2005 Mikey Fuccon plays Secret Political Donation, drawing one bill. 19:59 CST - 09/15/2005 Ngo Ninh Diem plays Secret Political Donation, drawing one bill. 19:58 CST - 09/15/2005 Ngo Ninh Diem passes Juan Santiago an unknown sum of money. 19:58 CST - 09/15/2005 Helga Von Beirwenchen passes Juan Santiago an unknown sum of money. 19:58 CST - 09/15/2005 Juan Santiago passes Helga Von Beirwenchen two cards. 19:57 CST - 09/15/2005 Helga Von Beirwenchen discards a card. 19:57 CST - 09/15/2005 Arnando Hilado del Arbol discards a card. 00:58 CST - 09/15/2005 Eli Witeslestine "Cabin Boy" (Allen)       Umm... Hi. I know I'm like, supposed to, umm, like, not use this stuff because it's all governmental and.. like, stuff, but I'm like TOTALLY worried! Like, my boss... Oh, right. I like totally forgot that you d00ds prob don't know me, my bad. I'm Eli, I got assigned to the intern position for the Admiral through the community college. It's been really keen getting to know the insides of buisness, shark hunting, and, like, creative book-keeping. Total Sweetness. But, yah! That's why i'm totally sending out this tele-graph thingy! The Admiral went out to vote, and a big black van pulled up along side him, and he like, got dragged in! I totally thought it was a prank by one of this friends, cause mine do that sometimes, ya know? like, when they know i just kiffed some of my brother's beer, or something, right? anyways, i thougth it was weird that the Boss didn't vote, cause he always does, and i'm like, "Even if he like went all 8-ball on us, he'd still vote, dude." But when i called the police they just snickered, or something? Totally what you'd expect from a Fuzz, right? So, scince it's been like 24 hours or whatver (they're always talkinga bout how you have to wait on Law and Order. That show ROCKSORS!) i'm just trying to find out if anyone knows what happened to my boss? Like, Friday's pay-day, and i've got bills, and hydro-ponic plants that need fertalizer and stuff, ya know? So.. umm... please, ppl? Like, send us a word. We've got his credit card for now, but i'm pretty sure you have to pay those things off. And, thinking back on it, those might not have been his friends. So.. yah? Thanks Dudes and Dudettes, and little dude! 00:57 CST - 09/15/2005 Juan Smythe plays Hide Location. 20:00 CST - 09/13/2005 Stefano Hawking University Professor Extraordinaire Budget Vote Results:       My Associates, I am happy to report tonight that the Budget has passed by a landslide, and our grant money will continue to flow throughout this fiscal year. Had this budget failed in the Chamber of Deputies, the lifeblood of our work would have been cut off, and our fair country would have been forever condemned to academic obscurity. Interestingly, only one member of the Chamber of Deputies did not support the Budget, and even he did not oppose it. Admiral Smythe (1) chose to abstain in tonight's voting. Ministers Le Pope (9), Beirwenchen (1), and Fuccon (1), Secretary Santiago (12), Generals Mundi (6), del Arbol (1), and Pele (9), Commander del Assia (1), and of course, El Presidente Diem (1) all cast their votes for the Budget's passage. It is also interesting to note that El Presidente's budget was considered so wise that even his long-time opponents, the Socialists, supported it. Of course, I invented this budget, which I call the Hawking Proposal. Now, if you will excuse me, I must return to my studies. There is much to do. Click Radio to Listen 15:25 CST - 09/13/2005 International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope discards a card. 15:25 CST - 09/13/2005 International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope plays University Faculty Influence Card, garnering an additional three votes in the Chamber of Deputies. 15:25 CST - 09/13/2005 International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope plays Socialists Influence Card, garnering an additional five votes in the Chamber of Deputies. 08:48 CST - 09/13/2005 Constantia Mundi plays Ballot Stuffers Vote Card, garnering an additional two votes in the Chamber of Deputies for the current motion. 08:48 CST - 09/13/2005 Constantia Mundi plays Retired Generals Vote Card, garnering an additional three votes in the Chamber of Deputies for the current motion. 22:00 CST - 09/12/2005 Patricio Robertoson Conservative Pundit       Loyal viewers of the 144,000 Club: Today's topic is the tin-pot despot of the seas, Admiral Smythe. Before we turn to our panelists, allow me to make an opening statement. Admiral Smythe has destroyed the Republic's seaboard ecosystem with his anti-Shark activities, and he’s going to make that a launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism all over the continent. You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war, and I don't think any fish shipments will stop, but this man is a terrific danger, and the Republic -- this is in our sphere of influence. We can't let this happen. We have the Gatito Doctrine. We have other doctrines that we have announced, and without question, this is a dangerous enemy in our midst, controlling a huge pool of fish, that could hurt us very badly. We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another 200 billion peso war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator of the seas. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with. 16:56 CST - 09/12/2005 Pele General 1       Another very equitable distribution of funds by our esteemed Presidente. I have cast my vote in favor of the budget and asked the Conservatives to do so as well. It is our continued GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAL!!!!!! to see the peace continue, as it allows our soldiers to continue destroying opposition on the true battlefield ... the Soccer Arena, and not on the prideless battlefield of personal conquest. 14:16 CST - 09/12/2005 Mikey Fuccon Minister of War       Hey everybody a bunch of people helped me out! thanks everybody! I guess the budget makes sense and I"m gonna vote for it! YAY!!!! 09:33 CST - 09/12/2005 Juan Santiago Farm and Labor Secretary       As I have a large construction project coming up I too am concerned about the funds allocated in this budget. Enough so that I called in a favor from a family member who works for el Presidente's private staff. He reported to me on the monies passed along to el Presidente for distribution and I can confirm a bad year. The Foreign Ministry received 6 one million dollar notes from the Americans, while I can claim 5 one million dollar notes for Farm and Labor. El Presidente has advertised giving one million to himself in the budget, but there is an extra million intended to slip through the cracks into his pocket. Why he chose to hide this from us I do not know, but in fairness, he allocated to you just as much, Mikey. I can't in good conscience vote against this budget as it is as evenly distributed as I have ever seen. However, Farm and Labor will require more funding next year to complete work on the new building. 01:56 CST - 09/12/2005 Juan Smythe Admiral       Quite right, Mikey! And don't forget how much MORE of a difference it is, if El Presidente forgot to include ALL the bills in the allocation! 00:33 CST - 09/12/2005 Mikey Fuccon Minister of War       Oh boy I'm full! Shark meat is really good, and I guess those scarlet beams work as barbecques too! hahahahaha! I'm really happy my scarlet beams helped save some people's lives. Mr. Smythe is so nice. He just wants to protect us children! but anyway, Now I have to do my math homework! my teacher told us to figure out the total of the budget and how much each of the 14 installments the president got is. we're practicing averages now. we're also supposed to compare with the usual average. 1+2=3 3+1=4 4+2=6 6+1=7 7+2=9 9+2=11 11+ 2=13 13+1=14 14+2=16 So the president got 16M Pesos in 14 alottments That means 16 divided by 14 is the average. 16/14= 1 1/7 so the president's average according to my teacher, the average should be 1 5/8. she said she figured it out from here That's a big difference. so maybe my math is wrong. President Mr. Diem, can you help me figure out what went wrong with my calculation? I'm really confused. 22:46 CST - 09/11/2005 Juan Smythe Admiral       My Adopted-People! It is clear that the Illustrious and Misaligned Minister of Internal Peace, Security and Political-Life-Adjusters, is missing the point when it comes to the Shark Menes! Shall we sit Idly by, and watch as thousands of our Patriotic Pira... Privateers get eaten by these Daemons of the Sea? She has little enough patience for those on land, and those Supposedly in our Children, but Spades for those that we KNOW TO EXIST! I say we shall NOT let this Stand! We shall strike back, with all of our might, and push forward the envelope of peace and prosperity to a brighter and more shark-free tomorrow! We will not live under the Tyrany of Foreign rules, Foreign Superstitions, or Sharks! This land demands that we treat her right! The spirit of this land stretches into the surrounding seas and inlets, it does not end on it's beaches! You all saw the New Reel! You saw the poor fellow being eaten by that Monstrosity! would you all have not LEAPED at the chance to have helped? Thanks to the WonderChild, Mikey Fuccon, and his foresight, we had the tools we needed that day, and many others besides. Do not cow down to this Frau! Along these lines, my fellows, it seems that we are a little short on how the money was actually allocated. I am sure that his illustriousness, El Presidente need only re-look over his books to see this is so. He is of course aware that there are Many of us who know how books can be cooked, and that NO one wants this to happen. We are Sure it is but a clerical oversight, to be solved with a no-vote, so that we may all re-tally the amounts to be given. Thank you, El Presidente in advance for your just decision in this matter. In Lighter news, there's a Cook out at the Beach tonight! Shark meat for all! 21:01 CST - 09/11/2005 Juan Santiago plays Mole Intelligence Card. 20:48 CST - 09/11/2005 Helga Von Beirwenchen Minister of Internal Security       Mein Freunden - I would like first to thank Herr Santiago for his generous offer to rebuild the government buildings destroyed in the... testing of our War Minister's new weapon. I und the other officials whose offices are now rubble are deeply grateful. I find myself excited by the growing crop of Tree Yarn, und I hope it will grow to be as popular as fine deutsche Bier. Tree Yarn und Bier; das ist sehr gut. I must confess, however, to confusion about the sharks... Why, Herr Smythe, do we need to be killing these beasts? They are, as I understand these international enviornment laws, protected animals. I am not wanting our gutes citizens to be eaten, but neither am I wanting the rest of the Welt breathing down our necks for... was ist? ah, ja. For enviornmental violations. As for Herr Smythe's... suggestions about the infection of superstition... Herr Smythe, I fear, leaves himself open to danger with his mockery of das Metaphysik. Spirits and demons, too, have ears, Herr Smythe, und I caution you not to make yourself vulnerable to their attacks. Lebe das Republik. 20:00 CST - 09/11/2005 El Presidente proposed the following budget: Ngo Ninh Diem - 1 Constantia Mundi - 2 Juan Santiago - 1 Helga Von Beirwenchen - 2 Juan Smythe - 1 Mikey Fuccon - 2 International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope - 2 Arnando Hilado del Arbol - 2 Alturo Cassenti del Assia - 1 Pele - 2 14:14 CST - 09/11/2005 Juan Santiago Farm and Labour Secretary       As Secretary of Farm and Labor, the task of rebuilding the old Internal Security building falls to me. I'm afraid that little Bellona was teasing you, Mikey; there was no one inside of the Ministry buildings as they were already scheduled for demolition. The new structure will not only house the Ministry of Internal Security, but all departments of government. When construction is complete we will begin demolishing the remaining government buildings to make room for Tree Yarn warehouses. International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope, loved as he is by the Americans, has broken the Tree Yarn market wide open to foreign interests and we must expand operations to meet the increasing demand. 00:34 CST - 09/11/2005 Juan Smythe Admiral       My Fellow Patriots and Citizens and Plebes! It is my GREAT honor to receive these metallic death-beam women thingies from our Great Minister of War and Cowboys, Mikey Fuccon. Thank you Mikey. I have taken the liberty of sending over to your home for you and Bellona to play with, a model of the El Presidente One! It is true to life, and even has a little version of MOI on it, sipping a My-Tie! *aside to aide* (That IS how you pronounce that dreaded thing, isn't it?) We have already made plans for placement of this Mechanical Double X-Chromosomal Warrior in with our Strategic Diving and Treasure Hunting... Salvage Team! We have killed MANY Sharks in our Waters, but too late for some, I am Oh so Sorry to say. I would also like to address the issue of some complaining about the Levey on the use of the exit from the Bay, or the Tax on Shippable and Ships. This money is for the CHILDREN! For the use of our own soldiers! For the GOOD of us ALL! Any allegations that this money went to the installation of the spiffy new Shuffle Board Court on the Deck of the El Presidente One is OUTRAGEOUS! In a completely unrelated topic, we are having a Shuffle Board Contest for Charity, this evening! The majority of funds and admission fees will be going toward the "Knowing Information Learns-us Leetly" or KILL, an organization who's purpose it is to wipe out any last vestiges of Superstition and Fear that SOME might have brought from their home-land, before it can infect and impact the Mighty Republica de los Pendejos! As you all know all I brought with me to this Wonderful new Home of mine, is plenty of legally-earned money to bolster and support our local economy! Please, remember to give generously! Fare-Ye-Well! Click to View 20:00 CST - 09/10/2005 Minister of War Mikey Fuccon assigned New Weapons to Admiral Juan Smythe. 20:00 CST - 09/10/2005 Farm and Labor Secretary Juan Santiago drew seven budget bills, while Foreign Minister International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope drew seven budget bills. All budget bills have been transferred to President Ngo Ninh Diem for budgeting. 19:59 CST - 09/10/2005 Helga Von Beirwenchen played Disaster Relief, forcing El Presidente to budget at LEAST 2 Million Pesos to the Ministry of Internal Security in this turns budget. 18:49 CST - 09/10/2005 Alturo Cassenti del Assia Air Force Commander       Compatriots! I commend our Minister of War on his technological advancements to our Republicas weaponry! Surely with these tools at our disposal, our Sovereignty is assured. I would add that it is only with excellent funding that these developments are possible. My personal thanks to Mikey Fuccon for his ingenuity, innovation, and vision. 14:27 CST - 09/10/2005 Helga Von Beirwenchen Minister of Internal Security       Mein Freunden, I am worried for the state of our Republiks Kinder! When kleine Kinder "play war" und destroy buildings, killing our citizens, can we sit by and watch? These Kinder need direction! But it is more than this, I fear. My family has a long tradition of dealing with such matters as these... Mein own Onkle, he has an understanding of Hexenkraft, und he has passed his knowledge onto me. I fear, mein Freunden, dass diese Kinder sind... besass... possessed! Meine Schwester Constantia, bitte, pray for our Kinder! Use the power of your divine faith to heal them! Stop them from committing these... terrible acts of Hexenkraft! Mein Brudern und Schwester ins Republik, let us help our Kinder, let us teach them that war is for grown-ups, und let us help them to truly play. 12:07 CST - 09/10/2005 Mikey Fuccon Minister of War       Hi everybody! I'm the minister of war! BANG! BANG! I just got done practicing some really fun battles with the army men with Mr. Santiago's niece, Bellona. it was really fun. she did this really cool move with her troops and she was talking really fast about how dumb Histler or something was. anyway. When she was attacking my fort, she was really really slow. Like the bullets didn't make the building collapsize at all. it just put holes in it. I bet if the bad guys were hiding in there, they wouldn't even be dying. So now, since I'm the minster of War! BANG! BANG! I thunk we need some better weapons like ones we can blow up buildings with. so I talked to Bellona about it and we came up with an idea. and then the scientists who Mr. Pope had working, I told them to make it. He's a funny dancer. He's my favorite dancer in the world. HahahaHA! but the scientists made it! and it's really cool. its called the scarlet beam. it's a cyber-something thingy that you put in a girl or something. well maybe a boy could use it too. but so far they're all girls. I dunno. it's really cool though. We even tested it. well, maybe you heard. it wasn't my idea. but the scientists said that the bigger the building the better test it would be. I'm really sorry if anyone was working in the building. Bellona calls those people that died "the oil that lubricates the machine of war" I don't really get it. But yeah, the weapon is really really cool. If you want to see a test, we took a video. so watch for it! I think that gunboats are pretty old. I haven't even seen them in those soldier toys. I think my country would be better with Scarlet Beam boats. so we're giving the navy some Scarlet Beam girls to make our navy cooler. Hahahaha bye bye! Click to View 20:00 CST - 09/09/2005 Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf Minister of Information Cabinet Changes:       Citizens of the Republic! I'm sure you have all noticed that today everything is exactly as it has always been. The Republic's Chamber of Deputies is operating smoothly. Constantia Mundi is secure in her position as General of the Third Brigade, just as she has always been. International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope still leads our glorious Foreign Ministry. Our Ministry of War is firmly in the control of Mikey Fuccon, as we have all grown accustomed to. Vicious rumormongers have called claimed that there have been changes in the Chamber of Deputies! Rest assured that this is not so, and that I, your loyal servant, would notify you all of any such changes. They are lying every day. They are lying always, and mainly they are lying to their public opinion. I can assure you that those villains will recognize, will discover in appropriate time in the future, how stupid they are and how they are pretending things which have never taken place. They want to deceive their people first because now they are in a very shabby situation. We expect the aggressors to use anything, we don't rule out that in their depression at being vanquished, those losers will become hysterical and commit even more folly. Do not worry my friends! All things are in order in the land of our leader, El Presidente Diem. 17:15 CST - 09/09/2005 Alturo Cassenti del Assia discards a card. 17:13 CST - 09/09/2005 Alturo Cassenti del Assia Air Force Commander       My Fellow Compatriots, Recent events have proven to be most disconcerting. While our fair Republica wanes in glory, we, its guardians, bicker needlessly amongst ourselves. Let us turn our attention to matters of national integrity; of national pride! We have much of which to be proud but we can do better! We can stir envy in the hearts of our neighbors if we can just focus on the problems at hand. It is with this vision of a greater Republica that I humbly ask our Presidente to appoint our leadership in a way that can better serve this vision. I am positive that he shares this vision with me and will do what is best for the Republica. Strength to the Republica! 11:59 CST - 09/09/2005 International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope Minister of War       Friends - No doubt it has made all the local newspapers that an assassination attempt against an iconic and extremely talented movie star, namely me, failed last night. It is fortunate that Juan Santiago's club had the dancing contest that night (and that I am a classically trained ballet dancer) or I would be dead. This foreign woman is obviously drunk on power (or perhaps fine German beer) and tried to kill me for no reason. I did not oppose El Presidente's budget even though it was unfair to me. I did not cause any trouble since I value the security and calm of the Republic even over my storied movie career (three Emmy nominations this year alone!) El Presidente, I urge you to remove this traitorous wench from a position of authority. She has proven to be reckless and irresponsible with any amount of power. I do not wish to make an enemy of anyone at this time but unfortunately the decision has been made for me. Please show me that you have even the least bit of respect for me by doing this and I will be more than happy to support your rule. On a side note, if you are bored in the near future, be sure to see my new box office smash, International Action Superstar Jean-Paul Le Pope vs the Nazi Empire. It is the first movie where I play myself! I go back in time and try to defeat Hitler to prevent World War 2. It is full of hilarity and action! 22:32 CST - 09/08/2005 Helga Von Beirwenchen Minister of Internal Security       I am pleased to see, Herr International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope, that mein informants were wrong about you... und I feel I must apologize for the attempt on your life, but know that it was only to protect mein Praesident. These informants, you may be assured, will be sternly repremanded for ihre Inkompetenz. It will not happen again. From this day forth, I will personally guarantee free Bier at any Biergarten in the city for you und your freunden. Und ich gratuliere Sich an das Tantzkampf zu gewonnen. Lebe das Republik und Herr International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope! 21:07 CST - 09/08/2005 Juan Santiago Farm and Labor Secretary       Last night I might have turned in early were it not for a certain banker's daughter who insisted I take her dancing. We traveled to my club, The Hot Tamale, and proceded to steam up the floor with a very spicy tango. Hours later, my clothes drenched with sweat, I took pause to share a drink with my fetching companion. As we sipped my best year, our eyes were drawn to the dance floor. Participating in the night's dance contest was none other than our own International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope! Truly, he was a wizard of footwork and a master of rythym. I had no doubt that he would win...despite the spectacular robot dance of our own usually very shy, but certainly now very hung over, Alturo Cassenti del Assia. Enjoy the year of free drinks, Le Pope, you have earned them. For those of you who were not present, the winning performance was captured for prosterity: Click to View 20:04 CST - 09/08/2005 Each player draws a card! 20:03 CST - 09/08/2005 Turn 2 Begins! 20:02 CST - 09/08/2005 Farm and Labour Secretary Juan Santiago made a transaction at the Central Bank. 20:02 CST - 09/08/2005 General Pele made a transaction at the Central Bank. 20:02 CST - 09/08/2005 Foreign Minister Constantia Mundi made a transaction at the Central Bank. 20:02 CST - 09/08/2005 Minister Helga Von Beirwenchen made a transaction at the Central Bank. 20:01 CST - 09/08/2005 Minister Helga Von Beirwenchen's Secret Police attempted to assassinate Minister of War International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope at his Headquarters, but did not find him there. 20:00 CST - 09/08/2005 Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf Minister of Information Locations:       It has come to my attention that there are questions concerning the whereabouts of members of our Chamber of Deputies. Rumors have even circulated that certain personages have been plotting evil plots against our beloved El Presidente. I have detailed information about the situation...which completely proves that what they allege are illusions . . . They lie every day. I know for a fact that most of our Chamber members have been at the Bank, including Ministers von Beirwenchen and Mundi, as well as Secretary Santiago and General Pele. It is also confirmed that Generals Fuccon and del Arbol, as well as Admiral Smythe spend the nights at homes of close associates, who we know Allah would not permit to be mistresses. Our President Diem spent the night quite peacefully in his home. I can tell you with the utmost certainty that under no circumstances should you believe that it is possible that Minister Le Pope and Commander del Assia danced the night away at one of those villainous dens of treachery and debauchery! There are no Deputies within 100 miles of any Nightclubs! Today I have visited the whole of the Nightclubs in the Capitol! No Deputies to be found! You go and see how we have ousted them from the Nightclubs! They are crying outside and waiting to recieve drinks! They will be killed shortly! 20:00 CST - 09/06/2005 Antonio Weinstein Central Bank Manager Budget Vote Results:       I'm pleased to be able to report today to the Board of Trustees that El Presidente's budget has passed the vote in the Chamber of Deputies. This could be an indicator that the Republic's economy, normally classified by major world organizations as "chaotic" is finally stabilizing. The Banana will surely be bolstered on the international currency exchange. On behalf of this board, I of course lobbied for the passage of such a wise and judicuous use of our nation's resources. Rewarding those sectors that performed well in this season's production will aid their growth, and aiding the Foreign Ministry, despite its apparent lack of success in acquiring foreign investors will surely help grease the wheels of future economic growth. And of course, in an age of international terrorism, we can't underfund the Ministry of Internal Security. At any rate, luckily, the majority of the Chamber agreed with my reasoning, despite their blatantly thuggish natures, and we passed the budget with the help of Ministers Von Beirwenchen(1) and Mundi(1), Generals Pele(9) and del Arbol(1), Secretary Santiago(12), and of course, El Presidente(1). Some of our valued and esteemed customers may be making some complaints about our taking sides when they come to make deposits however. Admiral Smythe(1) and Commander del Assia(1) opposed the budget, while Minister Le Pope(1) and General Fuccon(1) abstained. Any complaints should be directed to myself, of course, as I do so love to listen to them. 19:59 CST - 09/06/2005 Juan Smythe Admiral       The Admiralty is against any vote that places the leader of this country ABOVE his fighting forces. FOR SHAME El Presidente. For shame. 19:59 CST - 09/06/2005 Juan Santiago played Bankers Influence, garnering an additional 7 Votes in the Chamber of Deputies. 19:59 CST - 09/06/2005 Pele played Conservatives Influence, garnering an additional 8 Votes in the Chamber of Deputies. 16:56 CST - 09/06/2005 Pele General 1       Generalisimo Pele does not yet have access to his personal account, but has complete faith in our Presidente. Therefore I am casting my vote in support of the current budget and ask all of you to do so as well. Whatever budget you have been allocated this year, remember that we all end up better off with peaceful distribution of funds instead of going to war. If you have a grievance, let it be known in this public forum, and not in darkened alleys where bribes are exchanged and assassins likely to lurk. 08:00 CST - 09/05/2005 Juan Santiago Farm and Labor Secretary       Hey, Mikey! Now that you're a General of an entire army, my little niece, Bellona, thought you could use these army men to plan your strategies. I hope you do not mind that they are a little worn, my niece felt WWII was terribly mismanaged and spent last summer revising battle plans...for both sides. She also said you could come over after school tomorrow and play if you would like (she has a tree fort in her backyard.) I spoke with your mother and she said it was ok. Your friends are welcome as well, as is your cousin, of course. 02:57 CST - 09/05/2005 Mikey Fuccon General 3       That Mr. Diem is not a nice person. First he stole my candy from me, even though I'm a small child. Second he only gave me a tiny bit of money. I had this really cool idea for a new weapon, but I can't build it now. I spent a lot of time figuring out how much money would be left after I payed for all the soldiers and tanks and then all their yarn to keep them busy when we're not rebelling. Oops. I mean, when we're not fighting bad guys. And there's hardly any money left to do anything fun with. I don't like this budget. I want a do over. and I have soldiers. so there. *sticks out tongue* besides, Mr. Diem, my dad could beat you up. HAhahah! hahahahah! 00:31 CST - 09/05/2005 Alturo Cassenti del Assia Air Force Commander       My Fellow Associates, Good day. Although I wish it were not so, it is with much disappointment that I address you all today. Circumstances now dictate that our esteemed leader underestimates the -value- of his military forces. Well our esteemed General Arnando Hilado del Arbol receives an adequate funding package with El Presidente's proposed budget, the remainder of our forces must scrape together an offensive force from the bottom of the barrel. I would ask our Generals, our Minister, and Senor del Arbol, to unite behind my decision to turn away this proposed budget! It is our military might that sustains our Sovereignty! Without the proper support, we are all at risk! I say again; Turn this budget back to El Presidente! Let us speak with one voice! To Honor and Country! 00:10 CST - 09/05/2005 International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope Minister of War       Friends and countrymen - While I was initially excited to put my military acting experience to good use as Minister of War, my enthusiam has waned. I have to say I am more than disappointed in this budget. Perhaps our Presidente does not realize the hard work I have done so far with this country? I have provided employment for thousands as extras in my latest film, The Carebears vs The Mongol Horde. I was hoping that the budget would provide funding for a new movie. With sufficient funding I could visualize my new project Presidente Ngo Ninh Diem - Shining Paragon of Truth and Elite Ninja Pirate Superhero. Without much of a budget, I may only have to the money to make a documentary, perhaps titled Presidente Ngo Ninh Diem is a Cheap Bastard Who Doesn't Care About His Countrymen and Takes Candy From Small Children. I urge El Presidente and the rest of my countrymen to reconsider this budget. 23:51 CST - 09/04/2005 Arnando Hilado del Arbol General 2       Oh see you the glory of tree yarn! Gaze upon our budget and its bounty! The doubters have been silenced and the trumpets proclaim victory! On behalf of Hilado del Arbol industries I thank you, El Presidente, for the much needed funds for my brigade. Since we are enjoying such a time of prosperity and friendliness, they will be employed in the beautiful fields of tree yarn, harvesting a crop to surpass the year past! Fellas, we still have much work today, but never have I seen such optimism about our economy and Presidente. 20:00 CST - 09/04/2005 Ngo Ninh Diem El Presidente       Citizens, our American benefactors have delivered on their promise to support our burgeoning democracy. Their contributions did not match the wondrous bounty of our own magnificent fields, but together these profits are the first step on our path to international prominence. I urge the Deputies from the Great Families to support this generous budget. 20:00 CST - 09/04/2005 El Presidente proposed the following budget: Ngo Ninh Diem - 2 Constantia Mundi - 2 Juan Santiago - 3 Helga Von Beirwenchen - 2 Juan Smythe - 1 Mikey Fuccon - 1 International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope - 1 Arnando Hilado del Arbol - 2 Alturo Cassenti del Assia - 1 Pele - 2 20:00 CST - 09/03/2005 Minister of War International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope assigned New Weapons to no one. 20:00 CST - 09/03/2005 Farm and Labor Secretary Juan Santiago drew seven budget bills, while Foreign Minister Constantia Mundi drew four budget bills. All budget bills have been transferred to President Ngo Ninh Diem for budgeting. 23:20 CST - 09/02/2005 Juan Smythe Admiral       El Presidente, Fellow Cabinet Members! There will be a radio broadcast from the Admiralty today at 11:22 PM. Please, make sure all your radios are tuned in, thank you. Transcript follows:Hello my fellow countrymen. it is my great pleasure to speak to you from the deck of el presidente 1. it is my own personal yacht which i have pressed into presidential service. There are some things i wish to speak to you about. mater one: thank you el presidente for this wonderful appointment. mater two: luau in the bay today. bring a dish to pass! remember, we are here to serve the people, so let us be good! Thank you my fellow Country men! Click Radio to Listen 21:43 CST - 09/02/2005 Juan Santiago Farm and Labor Secretary       I appreciate my appointment, Presidente. I believe that Farm and Labor is truly the sexiest of governmental departments. The thought of pleasuring a woman as fine as the earth herself makes my fingertips tingle with anticipation. Think of it, our skilled workers caressing her smooth curves and planting their seed in her furrows to elicit a bounty of her joy. Oh! Already I am seeing signs of such joy. Now that Ngo Ninh Diem has lifted trade restrictions on Tree Yarn, it has become our most profitable export in a matter of days. We are working closely with plantations like that of the Hilaldo del Arbol family to see that our nation's profits grow. I forsee a good year. 20:00 CST - 09/02/2005 Larry Grabowski Executioner of the Republic Cabinet Appointments:        Well, I guess I should have known my vacation wouldn't last too long, but I never expected I'd be called in for this! I says to my wife Gladys this morning, "You know, things have been just a little too quiet lately. Since that last bloodbath, everyone's been acting real polite to each other." Gladys said something like "Hush up Larry! We should be so lucky!" So I says to Gladys, "Woman! It's all well and good to not want to do my job, but the clients keep bread on the table and a roof over our heads!" Anyway, I guess you all don't much care about me and the wife. Apparently the guy whose job it is to tell everyone about the changes in the Cabinet came down with rickets this morning. So here I am. President Diem has appointed Pele, Arnando Hilado del Arbol, and Mikey Fuccon to be the Generals of the first through third brigades, in that order. Juan Smythe will be in charge of the Navy, and Alturo Cassenti del Assia the Air Force. Juan Santiago will be managing domestic Farm and Labor assets, and Constantia Mundi our International Affairs. International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope will be in charge of the War Ministry, and Helga Von Beirwenchen the Ministry of Internal Security. Anyway, it was nice meeting all of you, and of course, I'm looking forward to seeing you all again real soon. 00:06 CST - 09/02/2005 Juan Smythe Minister of Mustaches!       My Fellow Country Peoples!!!!!!! We Have a Presidente!! Oh happy day! The turn out was SO much higher then in the States! I already feel a sense of Kin-ship with my fellows! A great Big Congrats (of course) to our Presidente! Long Live Presidente Ngo Ninh Diem! It is encouraging to see an Asian taken in by the Latinos here, so readily! I trust that you, Preisdente Ngo Ninh Diem, will endeavor to improve Foreign relations, Natural Development, Loosening of Tax Codes, Rebuildings of the Orphanariums, and so on! We, your followers, wait upon Baited Breath, Oh Leader! Lead us NOT into temptation, but deliver us from Social and Economic Evil! In closing, I ask that we ALL get behind our new leader, and find peace, and a reconciliation! I say Again! LONG LIVE OUR LEADER! I Now Leave you with my Personal Band, leading us in a celebratory Hymn. Click Radio to Listen 22:36 CST - 09/01/2005 Juan Santiago Minister of Champagne!       My deepest admiration to el Presidente. I received the news of his victory while enjoying a private screening of the new movie, Universal Street Fighter, a heroic tale of mystery, romance and action about two lovers caught up in a war that does not wish them to be together, starring our own International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope. My companion, Isabella, was so overcome by the powerful emotions invoked by the dialogue that she was as jelly in my arms. I was compelled to massage her supple body for hours afterwards until she had the strength to engage me in intercourse on the complexities of such a majestic film. It was a heated debate that lasted until the first rays of morning sun stretched across our tired flesh, but we were both surprisingly invigorated by the night's discourse. 20:37 CST - 09/01/2005 Pele Minister of Gooooooooooals!       Hola, Me llamo Pele. Yo estoy ...(insert montage where the audience realizes that even though I am speaking in Spanish, they are able to understand what I am saying)... While I recognize the character of the three candidates, and the physical prowess of International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope, I must cast my vote for Senor Diem. He is the candidate that recognizes that a strong nation needs strong individuals, and that strong individuals need a Soccer program to build their muscles. I look forward to working with all of you, but I must now return to the field. Yours humbly 20:00 CST - 09/01/2005 Each player draws four cards. 20:00 CST - 09/01/2005 Ronaldo Burgundio Freelance Reporter Today's Weather: Blustery - The Pendejo Times - 50 bananas Volume MCMLIII - No. 302 . . . . . . . . . . . Thursday, September 1 . . . . . . . . . . . All Rights Reserved CARPE DIEM! Today, the Republic's Chamber of Deputies made history by electing its first Asian President. Controversy has engulfed Diem's campaign as rumors have circulated to the effect that he is in fact, the deposed and assassinated Ngo Dinh Diem, leader of the Republic of Vietnam from 1955 Diem was supported in the Chamber by Deputies von Bierwenchen, del Arbol, Diem, Santiago, Pele and Mundi. His bitter rival, Le Pope, was supported by Deputies Le Pope, del Assia, and Smythe. Political Appendix Fuccon voted for himself. This marks the end of 19:39 CST - 09/01/2005 Constantia Mundi Minister of Habits!       Brothers and sisters in Christ, While it is not my wish to be involved in earthly politics, I feel I must come forward. Our country is in danger of deviating from the way of the Lord. Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope is a powerful man, it is true, but we must not forget that he comes to us from the ungodly land of Hollywood. His filthy action movies corrupt the youth of the world- is that the sort of man to lead our sacred Republic? I think not. Rather, Senor Diem is the man to lead us. His commitment to the moral fibre of our nation gives him the strength to lead. The Lord Himself is on Senor Diem's side. We should be too. May the strength of the Lord be with you 18:13 CST - 09/01/2005 Ngo Ninh Diem Minister of Things Unred!       My fellow citizens, Apologies for the lateness of my remarks, but I feel I should weigh in on our current situation Democracy is not a group of texts and laws, to be read and applied. It is essentially a state of mind, a way of living with the utmost respect toward every human being, ourselves as well as our neighbors. It requires constant self-education, careful practice, flexible and patient attention, in order to achieve a harmonious balance between the desirable diverse conceptions of men and the inevitable complexity of reality. Democracy demands from each of us, then, infinitely more efforts, understanding and goodwill than any other form of government. We must work towards a more perfect nation, building our army with assistance from our American benefactors, founding our economy on solid blocks such as tree yarn, and employing our newfound athletic prowess to rise to prominence on the international stage. We have been so generously been given the tools for success, and it would be an unacceptable failure to squander them. Confident in the unique national moment we are experiencing, confident in the moral strength of our people whose spirit has been enriched by elements from the oldest and most highly developed civilizations, I know that together we will be able to throw off all forms of opposition and build the ideal political and economic state to which our people aspire with such fervor. Citizens! I am the clear choice to lead our Republic forward! 17:56 CST - 09/01/2005 Helga Von Beirwenchen Minister of Essen!       I must confess, I am at a loss. Mein mind is confused by all this talk of moviestars and yarn. While I do like yarn - in the Alps we were seeing sehr kalten Wintern, und the yarn makes very good scarves - I am unsure of how this tree-yarn will help our nation when there is sheep yarn elsewhere to be had. So I am curious about the yarn. I am also wondering how movies will help our Republikchen. I like movies very much and Herr International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope is a strong Mann - und sehr attraktiv, too - so I find myself liking his Koerperpolitik, but what does he stand for, besides money and movies? And while Herr Mickey ist sehr cute, he is but a kinder! Now I am sure he is quite smart - I know it to be so - but I am uncertain whether his innocence will be able to survive the blood and violence of das Politik, and I would hate to see him hurt. And as for Herr Ngo Ninh Diem, I do not know how to say his name or for what he stands! Herr Diem, bitte, tell us what you think of yarn and movies! Bitte, mein Herrn, tell us more! The people wish to hear of your thoughts, your policies! Lebe das Repiblik und trinke das Bier! 15:21 CST - 09/01/2005 Mikey Fuccon Minister of Stink Bombs!       Hi everybody. I found the coolest stuff ever! it's this weird stringy stuff that is on all the trees. It's awesome. If I'm president I'm gonna give all the poor people jobs to grow and harvest all the stringy stuff. all my friends in America would love this stuff. it's really fun! HAHAHAHAHA also, I learned at school today that our country gets most of its money from Russia and America. did you know that? If I'm president I'm going to get lots of money from them. I don't really need it though, because this yarn is so fun I don't need any toys. HHAHHAHAH. hahahaha. 20:00 CST - 08/31/2005 Ngo Ninh Diem nominates Ngo Ninh Diem for the Presidency. 20:00 CST - 08/31/2005 Mikey Fuccon nominates Mikey Fuccon for the Presidency. 20:00 CST - 08/31/2005 Juan Smythe nominates International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope for the Presidency. 16:30 CST - 08/31/2005 Juan Santiago Minister of Mystery!       Hello, members of the cabinet. Please, you need not whisper to each other like bees waking from a long winter, I am indeed Juan Santiago, son of...well, son of my father. I am here to take his seat in this chamber. Though my family is very political, not much is known about them. I know you are curious. You want to know how my father died. This I cannot tell you. Some of you know me, know of my...passions. I am not ashamed, but please allow me privacy to conduct my personal affairs and I shall conduct matters of state openly and honestly. Wait. I feel I must confess a secret to you...I ...I love the tango. Hahaha! I lie! It is no secret! Now dance, dance to the music of the tango! Click Image to Listen 13:53 CST - 08/31/2005 International Action Superstar Señor Jean-Paul Le Pope Minister of Judo Chops!       Juan and my friends - I would be most pleased to be El Presidente. I am definitely qualified. I played the President in my 1995 hit film Executive Force (directed by good friend Jerry Bruckheimer). I'm sure you've seen it, it's the one where ninjas kidnap my daughter and I personally fight through hordes of them using my kung-fu moves to get her back. I can bring the same decisive action and willpower to the office that I portrayed on the big screen. My winning charisma will also help to get ample funding for our country from the Americans. If they short us I can just threaten to not make any more movies. That should get them to come crawling back in no time. I look forward to serving as your leader should you elect me. 13:22 CST - 08/31/2005 Mikey Fuccon Minister of Ice Cream!       Hi! guess what, my mom said I can be president if i want! Isn't that neat? I'm so excited! I'm really good at sharing. and my dad always says i'm the champ. yay! I can't wait to be president!! Hey, if I'm president can my friend emily come over to the Casa Verde? or my friend Lola? Lola's kind of mean though. and she always yells at me. but I think maybe she's nice inside. she looks kind of like Ms. Von Beerwitchen. but she doesn't talk as funny. ok, well, bye bye, If I become president, we're gonna build a fort in the ovoid office! but if you don't vote for me, you want be allowed in. just kidding! hahahahaahaaahaaa! ok bye now. 10:12 CST - 08/31/2005 Juan Smythe Minister of Embezzlement!       My Friends and Fellow Taxable Citizens: It is clear we must have a leader of merit. One who is not afraid to stand against the forces of Evilness, or the powers of Darkness. The question remains, however, Who should it be? I say we need a leader who has proven themselves. One who has shown us all the merit they have garnered. To this end, i suggest that International Action Superstar Jean-Paul Le Pope would be a grand choice!! We have all seen his exploits put to film, and we all know of his charity work! This land could use the glory of it's former state, and i believe International Action Superstar Jean-Paul Le Pope would be the one to bring about this metamorphosis! International Action Superstar Jean-Paul Le Pope, I hope you excuse my impudence. However, your people need you, please do not forget them in their time of need. Humbly Yours 21:45 CST - 08/30/2005 International Action Superstar Senor Jean-Paul Le Pope Minister of Painful Splits!       Hello, I am International Action Superstar Jean-Paul Le Pope. I'm sure you recognize me from my many major action movies which have made me wealthy beyond all belief. Or perhaps you are one of the many gorgeous women that I have romanced? Either way you should know that I have returned to our fair country to help restore it to its former glory. I will deal with all who will oppose me by giving them a swift back roundhouse kick to the head! 21:45 CST - 08/30/2005 Helga Von Bierwenchen Minister of Beer!       Guten Tag, meine Freunde. Though I am but a humble maiden, I have come from distant Bavarian shores to this great Republik in hopes of finding a new life far from the oppression of mein Vaterland. Though you may think me but a simple Frau, I assure you that the women of my country have been trained in the arts of war. I am ready and eager to stand beside meinem Bruedern und Schwestern on the fields of battle for this Republik. So, to whomever shall become the next Praesident of the Republik, I will support you and fight for you, should you allow me to bear arms in your name. Lebe das Republik! 21:45 CST - 08/30/2005 Constantia Mundi Minister of Crucifixes!       Brothers and sisters in Christ, Warm greetings to you all. After the unfortunate death of my beloved husband, the Lord in His infinite wisdom led me to your kind shores. It is my fondest wish that your country might prove a refuge; I am an embattled traveller, world-weary and exhausted by my long flight from the unjust Spanish law. You may know me as Sister Constantia Mundi. I do not wish to embroil myself in your earthly politics; I wish nothing more than to worship the Lord in peace. May the blessings of Christ be with you in nomine patri et fili et spiritus sancti, Amen. 21:45 CST - 08/30/2005 Mikey Fuccon Minister of Puppies!       Hi everybody! My name is Mikey. My mom and dad just moved here for my dad's work. I'm going to the International school near the cathedral. My cousin Lola also lives here and my friends Tony and Charles. I think I'm gonna have a lot of fun here. It's a lot warmer than America and the bananas are so cheap. My mom and dad don't really like government and stuff. me either. but my mom says I have to go to vote on some stuff or else I'll be punished so I'm gonna do my bestest to make this a fun country. byebye, talk to you later! 21:45 CST - 08/30/2005 Arnando Hilado del Arbol Minister of Yarn!       Buenos Dias my fellow fellows! I today introduce myself as the newly installed heir of the great Hilaldo del Arbol family and owner of its many tree yarn plantations in the north east. Yes, you may not of heard of the many properties of tree yarn; of its 50% more effectiveness than leeches for infections and its usefulness to keep an overloaded trunk tied down when driving your furniture home from el mercado. However its many qualities and questionable legality have taken the marketplace by storm, leaving my family in a very wealthy position. But we must give back to the Republic! We must look out for those of us who are as yet too poor to buy copious amounts of tree yarn, and we must be wary of those who would take our natural resources from us! My philosophy is very simple my friends: Up for the People and Up for Tree yarn! I hope that this is a message all of us here can get behind. 21:45 CST - 08/30/2005 Ngo Ninh Diem Minister of Words!       My fellow citizens of Republica de los Pendejos, This is the hour of decision. We face a grave military situation which is in urgent need of correction. It is the logical result of a long series of misunderstandings and errors among those of our shared Republica de los Pendejos blood. A fruitful and durable peace, founded upon the independence of the nation and the liberty of the people, poses a crucial problem for us today. Only a new political orientation can solve it, while continuation of the errors of the past will lead to a dead end and probably to an extension of the war, this civil war which has done us so much harm. I hold to the sincere conviction, shared by our people, that as long as national ideals cannot be immediately and faithfully followed, all efforts exerted will, rather than profit the people, only deceive, divide and demoralize them and will render impossible the solution of a problem already difficult. Nothing is lost yet, because the gravity of the situation itself must bring about a lucid revision of a fatal policy. I believe in my people. I believe in our insurmountable revulsion towards lies and oppression inherent in dictatorial regimes. I believe in our profound love of truth and liberty. The Republica de los Pendejos people, long deceived, are seeking a new path which will lead to our ardently desired ideals. I am firmly determined to lead the way to this path, overcoming any and all obstacles. I will not go forward alone on the path of a just and noble cause. With the peoples of Republica de los Pendejos and of other free countries, we will close ranks. Our prosperity and our collective future are in our hands today. Together we will win the only desirable kind of peace, a peace of free and proud men. And our Republic of Republica de los Pendejos will be glorious for our efforts. 21:45 CST - 08/30/2005 Juan Smythe Minister of Nothing!       A Great Big Hello to my Fellow Countrymen! Of Course, i haven't been your countryman for very long. I have only recently moved to your Wonderful Country... where there is no extradition treaty for money laundering... but all the same, i take you to my HEART! I am here if you are in need of assistance, or in need of some help on your tax forms! But I am getting ahead of myself: My name is Juan... Smith. Juan Smythe, even. Yes, that will do. I am afraid I am still moving items into my mansion here from the mainland, so you'll excuse me if i must make this broadcast short. Viva la Republica de los Pendejos and all that! 21:45 CST - 08/30/2005 Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf Minister of Information       Landholders and despots of Republica de los Pendejos! The time for change is upon us! For too long the forces of stagnation have held our fair nation in check, putrifying the very foundations of our well being. But I, your loyal public servant, sense a great change in the air! The stagnating stagnators of stagnation have stagnated for the last time! Stagnafication will soon be a cromulant word of the past alone! Our new vocabulary will not include the language of stagnatization or its cognates! There will be only room for words relating to progress and negative government savings! But I digress! It is now incumbent on you ladies and gentlemen to bring our nation into the 21st Century, which you must do by holding a most glorious election! 20:00 CST - 08/30/2005 Game Begins! Hide old events

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