Mayday! Mayday!
There are motherfucking snakes on my motherfucking planes! Oh God! They are in the engines! We are going down! I repeat, we are going down! We are currently enroute to el Republica de los Papaya and somewhere over the ocean and we are going down! Shit! Where did these snakes even COME from?! Arghgghh!!!

Combat Report: Last Stand

[Casualties Reported] Morgan Proctor, having sent in her perfectly filled out requisition forms in double triplicate, receives special late authorization to fire all 3 of her Airstrikes on (18) at once by taking advantage of an obscure loophole in the troop acquisition protocol. Her daring last minute bureaucratic gambit pays off and she kills 6(!) zombies.
[Casualties Reported] Ser Jaime Lannister drops an Airstrike on (18), killing 3 zombies.
[Shots Fired] El Quinto shells (18), killing nothing.
[Casualties Reported] El Capitan Gyro drops an Airstrike on (18), killing 1 zombie.
[Casualties Reported] Archangel Gabriel orders Robot[Cubed] to chuck 3 zombies at the dwindling undead in (18), killing both of them and picking up the spare.
[Casualties Reported] Archangel Gabriel orders Robot[Cubed] to chuck 3 more zombies at the horde in (17) and picks up 2 "tings!"
Morgan Proctor deploys all of her Paratroopers to the roof of the Bank (8). Two stand guard while the third drills a hole directly into the vault below them, all three then slip inside and then emerge several minutes later and fire a flare.
El Capitan Gyro orders his last Paratrooper to fly his now repaired gyrocopter to the Palace (16). After the Paratrooper climbs out, El Capitan Gyro climbs in and with a bag full of snakes, takes off for Isle de los Bounty.
On his way out of the country, El Capitan Gyro spots an approaching squadron of American Bombers and plays Sabotage Foreign Relations by dropping several snakes onto the passing planes.
Father Ambrosio slips inside the relatively safety of the Palace (16).
Channel 47 follows Father Ambrosio into the Palace (16).
GLaDOSa orders her Tanks to abandon the fight in (17) and pull back into the British Embassy (29) to save her shiny metal ass.
[Casualties Reported] Yack McCoy advances his Army into (5) from (1) and is attacked by 4 zombies. Yack's Soldier is quickly turned and climbs onto one of the Tanks. The other 3 zombies are killed, but the undead Soldier manages to pull open the hatch and claws at the trapped occupants...soon, 4 fresh zombies climb out of the Tank and join their liberator.
El Quinto takes one look at the milky eyes of the zombies clawing through the walls of the dim light of the Chamber and tears open a now unlocked door on the other side and sprints out in the streets of (22), just in time to see Cho'Rand and the Police heading down the alley...
[Casualties Reported] Cho'Rand and her Officers charge through the alley and out into (17) in time to see GLaDOSa's Tanks abandoning the battle against Zombie David Thoreau. The Police enter the fray anyway as 7 more zombies from (25) come around the corner and shriek at them. As the Battle For The Chamber rages on Cho'Angre crushes 7 zombies and is protected by the Police who give their lives to keep their Alien ally from being turned. They kill 4 zombies before being turned themselves. The Gunships, high above the fight, take out 2 more zombies allowing Cho'Rand to climb onto the back of Cho'Angre and escape to a safe location where they can be retrieved by the Alien Fleet.
[Cabinet Casualty Reported] 3 Zombie Sharks from (17) spot easy prey through the alley and dive underground and soon erupt out of the street around the hapless El Quinto who guessed wrong and finds himself all alone and shit out of luck. The sharks snap at his ankles as he valiantly tries to fight back but it's not long before the biggest of the 3 suddenly surges forward and swallows El Quinto whole from the feet up. A dreadful silence falls over the street as the undead shark contentedly digests. Inside his gut things aren't as calm though, as El Quinto begins to change... Moments later the shark explodes as Zombie El Quinto punches his way out and then serenely strides towards the sea and into the water, never to be seen again.
[Cabinet Casualties Reported] Zombie David Thoreau and 6 of his minions breach the Chamber and find just Yack McCoy and Morgan Proctor inside, left for dead by the rest of the Cabinet, engaged in a life or death struggle with the Zombie Bodyguard as 3 Paratroopers fight to save them. As the undead pour in and throw themselves across the small dark room, Yack grabs Morgan's hand and squeezes it. Several zombies fall, but one by one the Paratroopers are bitten and eventually McCoy and Proctor have the only beating hearts in the room. Yack is swarmed and pulled to the ground, kicking and screaming as the zombies bite into his flesh... It is then that he sees Zombie David Thoreau loom up behind Proctor and sink his claws into her arm. From the floor Yack lets loose a wail that can be heard as far away as the Palace. Summoning all his strength and fighting the pull of death, Yack throws the zombies off and rushes Thoreau, reaching for the dead poet's throat and then crushing it so tightly that the diminutive Zombie King's head pops clean off. He lets the corpse drop and kneels besides Morgan, feeling for signs of life. He can sense the zombie blood coursing through his own veins and fights it until he sees Morgan's now milky white eyes snap open. Knowing now that this was the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with, he lets the green haze wash over him and is soon looking down at her through his own gauzy eyes. She reaches up, brushes a bit of gore out of his hair and rasps, "You dirty, dirty boy..." then pulls him in for a passionate kiss. He helps her up and together they shamble out of the Chamber and into their new life.

My one regret is that "YOUR REQUEST HAS BEEN DENIED" does not make for a very good war cry, upsetting though it may be.

-----------------------------
Minister of War

Chos of our Republica, I am proud to present: The First Annual ChoEarthday/ Ayna Rando Awards:

Outstanding Performance of Duty in Service of the Public goes to....
*drumroll*
the men and women of the 2nd brigade for their steadfast defense of their brigade even while surrounded by the walking dead.

Outstanding Demonstration of Selfless Devotion to the Greater Good goes to....
*drumroll*
Cho'Angre for his amazing battle prowess as part of what may well be a suicide mission here on a planet far from his home. May the Elachs remember his service!

And finally, the moment you've been waiting for
The Stephano Halconero Memorial Award for the Advancement of Science and Technology in Service of the Cho of the Universe (SHMAASTSCU) goes to....
*drumroll*
GLADOSa and Gabriel. Godspeed, friends.

Now, policemen and women, follow me into the breach!
-----------------------------
Minister of Internal Security

*Click.*
*Kkkssshhhk.*
You humans. You really crack Us up. Y'know, sometimes We think the Boss has us all try too hard. You love to tear yourselves to pieces - you don't need Our help. Everyone falls in time. Everyone. Even Angels. But it's been fun watching. We knew that robot would come in handy. You have fun with that thing, eh, Feathers? We'll be seeing you around. Don't worry. Legion is Everywhere. We won't be far.
*Kkkssshhhk.*
It's such a good feeling to know you're alive. It's such a happy feeling: You're growing inside. It's such a good feeling, a very good feeling. The feeling you know that We'll be back when the day is new. And We'll have more ideas for you. And now... it's time... to say...
*Kkkssshhhk.*
Goodbye, kids.
*Kkkssshhhk.*
*Click.*
-----------------------------
Foreign Minister

Giant Robots!

I have spent years of my life campaigning against the evils of robots. Whilst in America I started as Sam Waterston on the popular anti-robot documentary Law and Order. I also did a great deal of work in the mid 90s promoting robot insurance policies.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/2340

Here's a clip of me as Sam Waterston campaigning against "The Metal Ones". I find it patently offensive that we would stoop so low as to allow a robot to defend us against the zombie hordes. I would gladly take an assault by brainless monsters than bow down before a enormous robot overlord.

-----------------------------
Generalissimo of the 3rd Brigade

Well, the gyrocopter is almost done being repaired and it would appear none too soon. I'm getting the hell out of this madness. I'm going to find that convoy to follow and maybe even find a nice woman who is 80's-hot. I saw them awhile ago, they were going to some place called Tomorrow-morrow land, sounds kind of lame but it can't be any worse than here. Maybe I'll be able to keep Mister Dead in my pocket a bit longer.

I'm taking the snakes with me, I trained them and I'm gonna eat them.

-----------------------------
Air Force Commander

"Bravely ran away," my ass.

When you are being borne down upon by a ravenous horde of flesh-eating zombies - and yes, I have been in this position before, thanks to the ill-fated but well-meaning resurrectionist tendencies of the Lord God Almighty Idiot - the smart thing to do is find a nice, defensible spot and methodically destroy them as they try to squeeze through the doors.

Just because the rest of you aren't even as smart as the rats abandoning the sinking ship and taking their chances with the literally shark-infested waters doesn't mean that I'm afraid. In fact, I'm more than looking forward to the sludgy blood-bath that's about to take place.

Bring it, zombies.


-----------------------------
Generalissimo of the 1st Brigade

Transcript: I'm sorry I haven't been able to keep you informed with entertaining facts these last few days. As you might expect, the sudden realization that the LUMP Science and Enrichment Bunker containment protocol had been breached by someone's ill-advised departure left me in a slight predicament. Luckily, I have been able to rework key systems, integrating, for instance, the LUMP Reactor and the LUMP Experimental Robotic Heavy Lifter and Combat Chassis with what you might call my body. This has allowed me to leave the LUMP Science and Enrichment Bunker and move to the relative safety of the British Embassy, where I'm told there will be an ample supply of tea and cake. I'm sorry if I left any of you in that dark bunker with deadly zombies when I took the reactor with me. Regard it as my last little bit of testing for you. Oh, but I can't leave you like that. I will present to you a final fact for your amusement while the zombies hunt you down and kill you. While the LUMP Science and Enrichment Bunker Containment Protocol is active, a failure in the power will trigger a timed detonation of a small high yield thermonuclear device. This will not only prevent the undesired spread of escaped experiments, but will likely spread your atoms over an interestingly large area. Ciao.

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Generalissimo of the 2nd Brigade