Dr. Halconero is the only sensible choice for El Presidente. Muscle-bound wrestlers may appear to have your interests at heart, but they inevitably overdose on steroids, and then you have to put them down.



You see what happened the last time. The clean-up was awful.

I once saw a mutated cat that was 10 feet tall and bald. I called him Lord Humungus. I saw him in the wasteland, he was riding around in a go-kart and apparently spoke English, which I thought was a little odd. Every time I got near him, he'd grunt out "Just walk away" and I did. However, one day he raided my camp and tried to steal my last can of dog food. My faithful dog, Dog, attacked him and knocked the can of dog food out of his hand. Lord Humungus ran away, taking Dog with him, but left the can of dog food. I honored the sacrifice of my last friend by gulping down that can of food as fast as I could. It was the best and saddest dog food meal ever.

While I'm not terribly fond of 10 foot tall bald mutant cats because of that, I have no problems with the regular kind. I probably would eat most other animals before them when faced with starvation, particularly since cats don't taste that good.

I have faced many a mighty feline in the ring, El Jaguar, Panthero, and the Domesticated House Cat (that was not a particularity difficult match). I have the utmost respect for any warrior who bear the mighty feline as their spirit animal. Yet, all challengers will fall beneath the heel of El Santo.

Well, poor Saucepan is certainly disappointed to not be in the running for Presidente. She'll get over it, though, likely with a catnip mouse and a few kitty treats.

That said, I must ask each candidate--how do you feel about cats?

A cripple dares oppose El Santo! I am a perfect specimen of the glorious papayan people. Gaze upon by finally toned abs and cower in fear. This challenger poses no threat to me, for I have faced many challenges in the squared circle and by sheer coincidence their heads came off.

When I am elected El Presidente I will bring great prosperity to the Papayan people. I believe in San Salvador, family, and small business. As El Presidente I will work tirelessly to bring happiness to the people. Whether it is happiness through a triumphant victory in the ring, or happiness through having non-shatter femurs is up to the people.

Vote for the glory of Los Papayans! Vote El Santo for El Presidente!

Transcript: My colleagues in LUMP were dismayed to find our bunker in disarray. Dr. Baltar was beside himself to find his personal stash had been rifled through. Needless to say, I predicted this raid on my facilities. I call it a Halconero raid. Whoever has instigated such uncivil behavior is obviously no friend of the Republic, and should be elected to the Presidency under no circumstances.

Blessed friends,

Brother Average, the Lord is the God of Hosts, the Creator of the World and our Blessed Republic, and He who grants all peace and plenty through His Will.

Brother Quinto, the Lord has sent this Fish to test your faith. Those who trust in the Lord will not be eaten by the fish, or, if they are, the fish will spit them out again whole. Do not fear the Lord's tests, blessed friends, for they will bring you the joy of doing the Lord's Will.

I am pleased to say that I have been granted the favor of our Lord and discovered antihistamines, which have blessedly alleviated the allergies which made it so difficult for me to speak with our Lady of Cats. Indeed, I am glad she has accepted the Will of our Lord and not completed her paperwork. It may yet be that she will bear for the Lord a cat-child... to be the savior for all cat-kind. I think... Still, there's something about it that doesn't seem right...

Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this bird for you, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad fish. Not like going down the pond chasin' bluegills and tommycods. This shark, swallow you whole. Little shakin', little tenderizin', an' down you go. And we gotta do it quick, that'll bring back your tourists, put all your businesses on a payin' basis. But it's not gonna be pleasant. You've gotta make up your minds. If you want to stay alive, then ante up. If you want to play it cheap, be on welfare the whole winter. I don't want no volunteers, I don't want no mates, there's just too many captains on this island. $10,000 for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.

Stefano Halconero has been nominated by: Himself, Maximo Loco and Average J. Human.
El Santo has been nominated by: Himself, Archangel Gabriel and Channel 47.

Channel 47 plays RIAA Influence, garnering an additional 3 votes in the Chamber of Deputies.