Formal report of your public servant, AJ HUMAN:

Honored that an unremarkable person like me has been elevated to the position I have been, I eagerly sought help from both the Americans and the Soviets. Both nations expressed their sympathy for our situation but were unable to spare any support for our "pathetic", "incestuous", and "barbarous" nation. Distraught, I took a stroll around the capital to clear my head and as I walked past the meteorite encountered a foreign emissary who has agreed to provide a most generous contribution of support for our struggling state.

For reasons I am too average and human to know anything about, he has access to great quantities of platinum (an element which, as you know is quite rare on this planet and is thus worth quite a lot) and has begun to sell off some of his supply to provide us with tens of millions of pesos.

There are only two conditions he attaches to this donation:

1.) that in the near future each of you disclose to me (publicly or privately) your view on what would be required to subjugate humanity--I have always been fascinated by this and, having no thoughts or designs of my own, I wish to know yours!

and

2.) that NO ONE TAMPER WITH THE CONTENTS OF THE METEORITE THAT RECENTLY CRASHED TO EARTH.

He believes, you see, it has some latent radiation that could hurt humans like us if we approach too closely (even if we wear protective gear).

What a deal, am I right? Generous and Looks after our health! This foreigner sure would be a swell leader for a nation or a species!

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Your Loyal, Human, Foreign Minister, AJ HUMAN

Well, now that I'm in charge in Internal Security, it's time to upgrade the LUMP compound. There aren't nearly enough flamethrowers and archers for me to consider this place secure. That will be rectified immediately.

I also recommend that we re-allocate money currently used to house prisoners to build the semi-spherical fighting dome to settle disputes I mentioned earlier. We could call it the Halconero Dome. I think we could realize great savings here, perhaps allowing us to build a moat around the LUMP compound and filling it with piranhas. We could also coat our nation's many school buses with armor, which would keep our children safe. We could fund that by selling tickets to watch the disputes in the dome.

This will take funding but isn't our security the most important thing? I'd hate for anything to happen to our fellow countrymen.
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Minister of Internal Security

Brothers and sisters,

This Channel 47 is a prime example of the insidious nature of technology that I have been warning this Republic about! Technology seeking to influence and interfere with your lives, to corrupt your Spirits, and to profane all that is Holy by suggesting - of all things! - that the Lord your Divine Protector would herd you all unwilling as innocent alpacas to the slaughter!

Brothers and sisters, if you value your eternal souls, cease your communion with this unholy box, this "boob tube," and turn your hearts and minds in prayer to the Lord!

Brother Stefano, I implore you to curtail the exploitative use of technology in this Republic! You have had the wisdom to give me the position of Minister of War that I might be able, with the help of the Lord, to maintain Peace - do not sacrifice that Peace by permitting technology to rule you.

I accept this as my Divinely-endowed role, to keep Peace in this Republic, but to abhor the sins and sloth of technology at all costs! The virgin will have to wait.

Now, does... anyone... have the remote for that television?

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Minister of War

*Click*
*Kkkssshhhk*
It's Lieutenant Hurwitz. Severe shell-shock. Thinks he's Ethel Merman. [singing] You'll be swell, you'll be great. Gonna have the whole world on a plate. Startin' here, startin' now. Honey, everything's comin' up roses... War is hell.
*Kkkssshhhk*
Chantelle Chanel reporting in from Channel 47 news - it appears my video feed is down, I apologize. The meteor has heavily damaged our transmitters - which is also wreaking havoc with the Republic's airport! Without proper repairs to the transmitter towers, and the installation of a few more, this country is a sitting alpaca for foreign invasion - or internal strife. We can only hope that our new El Presidente Stefano Halconero recognizes this urgent need for repairs and expansion. And back to you a the weather, Larry, it seems like it's another hot-
*Kkkssshhhk*
Let me get this straight: you don't believe in God because of "Alice in Wonderland"? No, "Through the Looking Glass". That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter," that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or, or with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They, they dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but-
*Kkkssshhhk*
The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the white zone. No, the white zone is for loading of passengers and there is no stopping in a RED zone. The red zone has always been for loading and unloading of passengers. There's never stopping in a white zone. Don't you tell me which zone is for loading, and which zone is for stopping! Listen Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit again. Oh really, Vernon? Why pretend, we both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have an abortion. It's really the only sensible thing to do, if its done safely. Therapeutically there's no danger involv-
*Kkkssshhhk*
*Click*


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Air Force Commander

Transcript: I have assigned you to the positions that sophisticated statistical analysis has shown will best suit your skills and personality. Given your new authority, please compose a proposal of what services you feel you can render the Republic, and what sort of budget you will require to accomlish your goals. This will serve as a good starting point in planning our budget for this fiscal year.

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El Presidente

My congratulations to you, Stefano Halconero, for securing the lucrative "el Presidente" contract for your company, LUMP Industries. You have earned quite a reputation in certain circles for your negotiation skills. I look forward to securing a fair price for your product over brandy and cigars in your office while developing a mutual respect for each other's business acumen.

However, first things first. As your Industry Czar, I must inform you that our country is broke. The meteorite has disrupted our local economy and foreign investments have long since dried up. Our largest export, the papaya, has been severely impacted by the spreading fires from the meteorite. Perhaps there is a way to monetize the Meteorite itself?

I suggest that you get your best men on it; there is nothing we cannot accomplish when we stop worrying about wasteful social programs and focus on the Almighty Dollar!

[1] Historical Note: A rumor is circulating that el Presidente is merely the charismatic puppet of his "assistant", Cristal, who is suspected to be the actual brains behind LUMP. Close scrutiny is warranted to test the validity of this accusation.

Gabriel, I have no idea what you're talking about! I have no idea why you would suggest that my family members live in the earth-perspective constellation known as the Virgin! Nothing could be further from the truth. What a shocking and strange allegation. I am unusure about this "creator" (but please tell me more) but no, I do not have any family members in the Virgo 4.5.8 Cluster. What a silly question...

Brother Maximo,

While I am saddened by your lack of Faith, I cannot chide you for aligning your experience with Hell. Indeed, all that is not Heaven is Hell insofar as it is apart from the Divine. From your description, I cannot help but think that you are right to consider such a place to be the very depths of despair. It is a testament to your strength of spirit and will that you survived - but it also shows that the Lord has a Plan for you, if you are willing to accept His Guidance.

This Republic need not emulate such diabolical methods or conditions. With the Help of the Lord, it can be made into a veritable Paradise-on-Earth, dedicated to the Glory of the Lord's Will. It need not have machetes or domes-of-pain or chainsaws (with or without Providential gas).

Brother Maximo, accept that the Lord has Tested you and has a Plan for you, and your suffering will be rewarded.

(You don't happen to know any virgins, do you?)

Well yeah, gas is incredibly expensive and they always cut corners somewhere in these types of things. That's why I always go for the machete - good, solid, reliable and cheap.